I need to yell more often!

I got myself a H-Buck today...hehehe. In my 5 year career, I've only gotten 1 for driving out to Santa Clarita the day before Thanksgiving to do a ballot tabulation....The one a received today was an even sweeter award.

The H-Buck I received today was for "positive assertion of information and direction." Basically I YELLED at someone via email. It's one of my off-the-record-goals, to be more assertive at work. Boss-Lady thinks I am too nice sometimes. I agree. :D

I'm restless again. Let's face it, I'm sh*tting around and biding my time for something to happen. IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN!

They don't believe that I am over him. I am. So I still talk to him...big deal. HE IS MY FRIEND! I don't like him like that. I can't. Okay so maybe I have moments when I struggle a little bit..they they are fleeting moments and I am quickly reeled back into my imaginary world.

Yes, I have an imaginary world. It's my ideal place and time where I am surrounded by those I adore. I wish one day it will be a reality...unfortunately I am sh*tting around...which brings us back to the beginning.

32 is my scary age. That's the age my mom was when she had me. By this age I hope to have accomplished the following:

Be a Project Manager - whether it is in my current industry or a different one, I hope to be making the income that was flaunted in front of me at every career fair I ever went to at USC.
Be a Homeowner - I know I co-own the house that I currently live in, but its not ALL mine. I want to have my own place that is MINE.
Sideline - I want to branch out and do something creative to off-set the engineering work I do on a daily basis. I'm not sure what yet..but there has got to be something!
Learn the Guitar - Yes, I still have that guitar that was given to me in high school. No, I still do not know how to play it.
Learn how to Sing - Since I'm learning guitar, I might as well learn how to sing along with it too.
Ceramics - I want to make a fruit bowl. Don't ask me why, I just want to...

I'm not going to put fall in love or get married...those are things that occur when the time is right. Those are also two things I do not have any control over. HE has all the control and He will send me someone great. Or maybe He won't send me anyone at all. Who knows. I'm not going to push it anymore.

I don't understand why after 7 months its like your brain reset itself AGAIN. I try and I try, but still you don't get it. Instead you lean on me just a little too much. It's becoming a full time job just carrying you. I am not paid enough money for that. WHY?!

I worked a full 9 hour day today. I'm now sitting in front of my computer checking over a report that should have been completed weeks ago. I will be busting my ass tomorrow and the next day and the next day. So much for "easing" back into the work week. I want out. NOW.

For a very long time I have been unhappy at work. I found friends there to help me stay. Hell. I brought my sister on board too. It's not working. One by one my buddies are disappearing. Everyday I see how uneven things are. I work so hard and I'm paid shit. It wouldn't be so bad if I was treated good or had good benefits, but damn...they can't give us any perks...being associates they feel they are saving the company money by hiding manager digression type perks from us. No we can't have flex time, but they can. No some of us can't be reimbursed for mileage, but she can. No we can't go there or do that because its too expensive. No you won't get any recognition awards because even though you work your ass off and do a huge amount of work that it takes 2 and half people to take over your position while you're on a three week vacation, it is all expected of you.

This is my breaking point. One fun day a year and an occasional thank you is not enough anymore. I can't wait a whole year to find out if I'm doing good. I can't wait for you to notice or appreciate me. A 15% raise of nothing is a whole lot of nothing. I'm drowning in bills, my social life is a mess, and the nightmares just won't stop.

Again and again.

I'm in a rut and ready for a change...AGAIN.

Vacation is coming up and I'm already broke...AGAIN.

I haven't been at work all week to study for this test. I had to remind her about procedures...AGAIN.

Just when I think my heart is okay, its broken...AGAIN.

I've cried so much that I think I'm out, but then wouldn't ya know I start crying...AGAIN.

There's NO TIME...AGAIN!!

Now that it's raining more than ever.

Two and a half weeks until my P.E. Exam and I'm nervous. I'm not ready for my exam. Not even a little bit. I'm feeling as though I'm spread way too thin at work which is making it so difficult to prepare for this exam. This is a big deal. If I pass this test, I will have one more marketable trait. After all...how many Industrial Engineers have their P.E.? I can get paid the bigger bucks or find a job that pays the big bucks. I pray that I pass.

My attempt to have a life outside of work is failing miserably. I have been trying to give up on the work-a-holic lifestyle for about two years now. While it was easy to stop working the crazy long hours, it was not easy to just relax and have fun. Apparently I am socially awkward and can't seem to find that balance between quirky-ness and crazy-ness. No one will have me! So back to work I go. He will find me and when he does, I'll be at work..still..

Wild Animal Park

To be totally and completely honest, I've been avoiding adding a new entry on my blog because it would mean My Five would be bumped off the first page of my blog. Hehe. Oh wells. I guess I'm forced to update the links on the left-hand side of the screen. Yep, right there...do you see it now? In any case, you can click on any place that says "My Five" and it will take you right to it.

*sigh* I'm thinking of updating it to include Maks from DWTS..because HOT DAMN. *giggles* But who to let go? I can't decide..I will save that discussion for another day... My Five

So why am I here..Oh yes..the San Diego Wild Animal Park...before I get into that.. My Five Ok. I swear it's out of my system.

We had our fun day at the San Diego Wild Animal Park. It was fun and oh so tiring! I'm still limping...Part of the reason why was because we weren't really given the opportunity to walk around leisurely. It was go go go go go. Boss Lady always has a destination and there was little or no sympathy for the slow, tired, or weak. I wanted to take pictures...full on crouch down-lay on the floor if you have to in order to get a good/interesting angle picture taking. I didn't feel like I could there. Regardless, I was able to get some good shots. Please check out my gallery here: My Five whoops, my bad..*giggles* No really, check it out here: Wild Animal Park

My favorites were the baby elephants and the giraffes.

I need to get me a new lens. I love my 50mm, but I really want to zooooom. Someone wanna buy me one for x-mas? *angel eyes*

What?

Me: Is there a Male PMS?
Dennis: There is NOW..
Me: What?! *giggles*

I can't sleep

I've been having a hard time sleeping lately. Actually, that's not true, I have been having a hard time sleeping for at least a year. The only difference is now I'm having a hard time catching up on sleep. I can't even nap! It's almost 2:30 AM and I'm blogging.

There is too much on my mind...still...even though we had that talk...even though I'm getting caught up with work...even though I've been getting a handle on the studying...My mind just keeps spinning. It's been like this for months.

There was a time when I could sleep. All I had to do was think of you and I knew things would be okay. Now you're gone and it's just me again.

Bad Luck Betty Strikes Again...

This has turned out to be one hell of a week. It started on Monday. Ahhh Monday..Manic Moanday as I like to call it. Then came the dreaded conference call. We managed to rile up the Developer, who in turn will be submitting a butt-load of work. Booo.

Tuesday was..well work was fine..just cranking out all the projects that have come in on Monday...I thought I was in the clear until I went home and started studying for my P.E. Exam. Two chapters into my book on Supply Chain Management I realized that they are referring to the internet and e-commerce and its affects on supply chains as if it was still in a theoretical state. I look at the publish date...1999...great...All my resources are 10 years old. Not a big deal for other engineering, but Industrial Engineering is always changing and improving and evolving. I just might fail...

Wednesday was the worse. In the morning I realize that one of the files I had been working on had been overwritten and I lost one of my tables. Great. I have to redo the data entry and analysis. FUN. Then my boss comes back into the office and asks me I drive her to the airport. I go out to my car..and it won't start...FABULOUS!...I call my Dad, who agrees to stop by after work. I go to start the car..and it starts. IT STARTS! What the heck? Since then no problems..but still...Every time I put the key in I pray that it will start, and every time it starts I pray that I doesn't stop randomly in the middle of the road.

That night I go home and take a super long nap...followed by..well..Status Quo.

Thursday..today...As a result of the week and of the Status Quo...I wake up late with puffy cry eyes. As I am about to head out, my sister calls and asks me to check my bank accounts for my paycheck. It turns out my paycheck was not deposited into my accounts. SHIT. They mixed up accounts and my paycheck was desposited into my sister's accounts. They told her there was a mix up because she had changed to her married name all her accounts and resubmitted her direct deposits. When they went to update it, her new name had not been entered into their system so they changed the accounts that were under her maiden name...only it was MY name. :/ Dang it! I've been living paycheck to paycheck these days. So I postponed a few auto-payments I had set up and we worked it out so that I would be paid tonight. I keep checking it, I got nothing.

All day I kept bursting into tears. I would be sitting there at my desk and then BAM! TearCity. On top of that, I watched my Trojan Boys lose to the Beavers...the Beavers!?..COME ON!

At least tomorrow is Friday and soon the weekend. Here's hoping for a change in luck :)

Slowly unraveling...

I've made a decision. No more of the over-investing. I'm exhausted, overworked, and spread way too thin. I thought I hit my breaking point earlier this year. Turns out that was not it.

I know that it really should not matter, I should keep on keeping on, but I'm tired. I'm tired to taking care of everyone and having no one to lean on or to take care of me. A part of me still thinks that whatever I put out there, I will get back in return. The other part of me is tired of waiting for that return. I'm going to have to accept that it will be just me. That's all I need to worry about now...just me.

My Five Update - With Photos

Okay okay.. here it is...with photos...

John Legend


Dwayne Johnson


Micheal Copon


Scott Foley


Mark Sanchez

I just realized I have a thing for brunettes...*giggles*

Be Specific

My co-worker went to Italy last week. She said that she had always wanted to go to Italy, meet a cute Italian painter who would take her on a ride on his scooter. So in while in Italy, she meets an Italian painter, named Enzo, who takes her on a ride on his scooter. It was exactly what she had wanted, except he was a house painter..hehe...not bad, she just wasn't specific enough..

It was like a scene out of a movie. It was something that could only and would only happen to her. I really need to up the ante on my TTD list when I travel. hehehe.

go 'head be gone wit it...

Last night I had a dream. Actually it was more like a nightmare. I had a dream that this girl IMed me about him. In my dream, I had left my computer on all night and she IMs me all these pictures and transcripts of their online conversations. I wake up the next morning and read through everything. At first I thought it was it was just an IM, but it turned out to be a chat room and he was talking too and it was their conversation playing out in front of my face.

Is this my paranoia f*cking with me again? Or is this a sign?

Just Can't Find the Words....

Right in the eye...

Work makes me want to take my most favoritest pen and shove it in my eye...and then swirl it around. It is a massive amount of data work that I am training people on. I wanted so badly to catch up and I'm glad I finally have the opportunity too, but it's driving me nuts at the same time. I am really learning about my weaknesses as a trainer and mini-project manager. This is by no means anywhere close to what my bosses do on a daily basis, but still...I am barely hanging on. I have been this way for MONTHS. Actually I have been this way since last fall.

It's not that I stopped caring about work, its just that I lost motivation. I lost that drive. I no longer know what I am working towards. All those things seem so far away. About a month ago I finally hit my breaking point at work. I cried...a lot...It was horrible...since then it's been better, but who knows how long it will last...or how long I will last...or if it will even help in the end.

When I'm not at work, however, I am all smiles. You make me smile. :D A lot. *giggles*

You make me smile...Please stay for a while...

Will you count me in?

Maybe you might have some advice to give....

On how to be..INSENSITIVE...



Part of me wants to go back to the time when I was numb to it all...a time before that one guy noticed me, when I was just me, I just worked and went home and went to sleep. This past year alone I've had ups and downs. I'm feeling hypersensitive to everything and and everyone. Sometimes I feel like I just need a little break from it all. Just a moment to regroup. I think it would help. Help! I need a distraction.

wha?

I tell my sister today that I am blue. She turns to me, shrugs, and says, "I am insensitive to other people's feelings...are you going to be grumpy at me for saying that?"

So, now I feel bad. I feel bad for telling someone what I am currently feeling. This is why I don't share feelings too often. This is why I prefer to brood or why I lash out in grumpiness. Maybe I am too sensitive to other people's feelings. Excuse me for giving a shit about other people.

What the %&%#@)$!!!!????!!!

No wonder why she never gets along with mom. She's EXACTLY LIKE HER.

bluuuuuuuuue

I'm confused. I know what I want, but I'm struggling to get there. I'm sorry. I'm tired. I'm moody. I'm heartbroken.

In summary...I'm blue.

I forgot that's how you are. I forgot the indirectness...the run around...the taking but hardly ever giving. You save all the good stuff for when you need something. Stupid me for just giving it to you everytime.

I'm tired and fed up. You probably won't even notice...won't even care.

Bitting the Bullet

I guess when you turn 28 you physically cannot ride roller coasters anymore. At this point, you are "too old". hehehe. Yesterday was the company picnic at Knott's. I was so looking forward to this picnic. I LOVE amusement parks. Unfortunately amusement parks do not like me so much these days. I'm pretty sure it was the heat, at least that is what I am telling myself. It was the heat.

At the end of the day, we had ridden 4 rides, gotten heat stroke, and a nice tan. Yes, I said 4 rides. Ghostrider, Supreme Scream, Silver Bullet, and the Log Ride. I knew we were in trouble after Ghostrider. I was a little bit wobbly after that ride. After Silver Bullet, I thought I was going to pass out. What happened? I used to have NO problems with rollercoaster and rarely had motion sickness....It was worse that a hangover...

Son of a b*tch!

What the hell?! I've had it up to here with her. It's not fair, I shouldn't have to put up with all of this. I wish I could elaborate more...get it all out there...but I could lose something over it. This whole week has been so hard. I cried in front of them...ALL of them...well all but one of them...but still. I made other people cry too. I'm sorry, but some of those things had to be said. Some of those things have been eating away at me for months.

There is no question that I have been sad there every day since last fall. I never recovered from what went down. Since then its been a downward spiral. I dream of the day when I can leave and go somewhere else. What if I do and it's worse. What if I do and I find that what I left was the best?

I was there when I took this picture. Xtine had bb msg'd me asking me how I was doing. I took this picture and sent it to her. That was one day before the breakdown. I wanted to hide away under my hood. Ugh.

It was nothing....

It was purely textual!

John Mayer!

I just got back from the John Mayer concert. It was GREAT! He is amazing. I heart him. hehehe. He sings, has a crazy sense of humor, sports a hot tattoo on his left arm, and plays the guitar like a bad ass. hehe. Oh..it's amazing what a crew cut can do to a man's appearance..because DAMN...when did he get so cute? It was like when *nsync Justin became "Just Justin" and shaved those bleached blonde curls off his head..hello...



Seeing John Mayer live in concert is a must!

Colbie Caillat opened and she is cute! She sounds exactly like her album and would tell lil' stories about each song. :)

I despise how I adore you.

28-skidooo

It is definitely going to be a good one. I know it. I can see it. 28 is MY year. Yesterday was the first day and it was a GREAT DAY! I have a new found confidence. I'm happy, I'm smiling for no reason. I'm being silly at work..and I don't give a FUCK! *giggles* I can't pull that one off, can I?

Yep, this is my year. [insert cheesy smile here]

And then it happened...

It seems contradictory, the involuntary smiling, followed by moments of blue which sometimes turn into uncontrollable crying. I'm breaking away from the old me and moving into something new, something different. I am living. It's terrifying and yet very exciting at the same time.

Did you know you did that for me? You held a mirror up and I saw who I was and who I am now through your eyes. It was like I was in hibernation and I am slowly but surely waking up. I am so thankful He sent you to me when He did. You have no idea how much it means to me, how much you mean to me. I know there were times when I didn't do right by you, when I didn't say what I wanted to say, didn't ask what I needed to. It hurt you, it hurt me, it stifled our friendship. It confused me and messed with my heart and my head. I got attached. I struggled. I didn't handle it well. It was a mess and it still has not fully recovered.

There was a moment today when I just started to ball. Everything inside of me just poured out. You don't understand my crying, you never did, but I was crying for you. I was crying for me. I was crying for things that are too much of a habit to be considered a pattern. I was crying because I was living in a place that didn't really exsist. I was crying because I did it again. I was crying because I finally let you go.

hehehe

Okay so despite everything, I am still smiling. I dunno what it is or what but I am weirdly happy. My moments of blueness don't last nearly as long as they used to. Sometimes when I catch a glimpse of myself in my cube mirror I am surprised to see that I am smiling..SMILING! IN THE OFFICE! FOR NO REASON!

I think its the newly rediscovered freedom. Freedom from SLAK. Freedom from the blahness that was once him. So he didn't work out and we could never get our shit in sync. That's okay. It just means he wasn't the one. He's still super cute with his big brown eyes and his broodiness...but no. Its better that we're not talking so much or seeing each other. I'm sorry to say that I am smiling more and crying less without him, than with him... So long dear friend. You are missed.

It wasn't me..

I'm pretty sure this time, IT WASN'T ME! Well...I guess if you count my uncanny ability to seek out and like the ones who are so unavailable to me...well then yes, yes it was me.

The blah friends are racking up quite quickly these days.

I have a boy pattern :/

Okay. So. Since the infamous him I've lost my ability to trust in my own judgment. How, you might ask? Well its simple really. I loved him, I thought I knew him, we could have entire conversations without speaking, he was my best friend, we had built a life together and I was looking forward to the future. Then, it came crashing down. Having been my best friend, he knew how to damage me the most. It wasn't a matter of break up, it was a matter of breaking me..breaking me in hopes that he would be the only one to fix me. Well he was wrong. I'm fixing myself, but in that process I am learning that the trust doesn't come as easily as it used to, the suspicion takes over a lot faster, and there is the fear.

This fear is a bitch. It's taken control over my own judgment, every guy is a bad guy, every guy will hurt me eventually, it's only a matter of time...So I stay in the friendzone or I find myself in that in between place with a guy. I become that girl who is there after a break up, or when he is bored, or when he needs that emotional girlfriend-type support/attention that he isn't getting from his current girlfriend...but I am never, EVER, the girlfriend. I don't know if its me purposefully picking these guys or these guys picking me...all I know is that it HAS to stop. It practically tore me apart last year.

This time, this year, it has to be me. I know what I want. Despite what he said, I do deserve it. I'm NO SUBSTITUTE LOVE!

Happy 4th!

Yesterday was a FUN day. Full of lots of BBQ, people, watching, walking, sweating...hehehe. After a 20 min hike/stroll, OMR Family and I made it to Kyle & Christine's wilderness picnic where we ate our weight in short ribs, shrimp, brownie bites, funions, and soda. I took tons of pictures (check out my gallery) and watched as everyone played pass the Sidney.

After another 20 min hike back to the car, we made our way to the OMR house for another BBQ. There was a quick stop at the grocery where O introduced me to a John Legend song that I actually don't have (which btw, was promply downloaded the minute I got home). Once we got back to the OMR pad, I took more pictures, played with Sidney and watched a lil TV. People started to show and food was done, I ate my weight in ribeye steaks, fried rice, spinach dip, homemade ceviche, and birthday cake. Oh yum!

I had so much fun at both BBQ's and I'm ready for the next one at my house!!! I heart you guys!

Ewww....

Have you ever spoken to someone over the phone and you can just tell they are just icky and disgusting? Like skank-tastic and ugh-ly?. It makes me want to pour bleach in my ear.

Traffic in my head.

Why is it I can write pages and pages about you in my lil journal, and I struggle to make a sentence about him?

Yeah, I don't get it either.

I miss you.

The Heart of the Matter

Okay..so I have another song I'm crazy obsessed about. Something about the lyrics speak to me. I guess I see myself, my feelings, and my struggles in this song. That's what I've been trying to avoid, getting to The Heart of the Matter. I'm facing it, it's hard, but here I am. hehe. I actually feel happy after listening to this song, even though the lyrics seem to be sad.

The Heart of the Matter by Don Henley

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore

HAHA You're Funny...

So as I said this morning...I'm all smiles. hehehe. I had a funny conversation today that totally cracked me up..hehe..(I hope you don't mind me posting this...)

Me: You're just taunting me with food. I'm hungry for dinner already. Hehe.
Him: I'm not dinner =P I'm dessert lol jk sigh
Me: WHAT? LOL
Him: lol I was just kidding sheesh hehe :) I'm no meal hehe
Me: I know, its just funny. Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
Him: It's not THAT funny =P I know you been eying me like a scoop of cookies and cream lol jk I dunno what I'm talking about wow ok I should just put the phone down hehe

I doing the "no-sound" laugh in my cube for a good 15 minutes after that. hehehe.

I had a WONDERFUL dream last night. I've been a lot of smiles the past few weeks (well except for the minor moments of $%&%$#!@!!, but other than that..). I am definitely seeing something good.

hehehe. hehehehehehehe. hehe.

House Broke :(

Hurray for REMOTES! The garage remote its up and running on Sadie. YAY!.

I'm house broke and car broke. It was an unfortunate thing that my first mortgage payment was due the same month as all the car stuff. My license renewal was due, which meant I had to have my car serviced. Damn is Sadie expensive! Freakin' couple hundy to get an oil change and smog test. On top of that, the battery needed to be replaced, so it was another couple hundy AGAIN! Booo. I miss going to anywhere and getting and oil change and then going anywhere to get a new battery and replacing it myself (well my dad replacing it himself..hehe). Ugh. It makes me want to take my Ava back.

It has been a LONG ass time I've done the living paycheck to paycheck thing. The last two paychecks disappeared shortly after I got them. The next one is going straight towards the next mortgage payment.

I guess I've been a lil over zealous with the movies and the eating out and the Target and the DVDs...and the trips to Vegas...So I am going to start taking my lunch to work everyday...and doing the dollar movie thing if I want to see a movie...and..gulp...not going to Target unless I REALLY have to and only buy what I NEED...I do need the 3rd season of Weeds though...Really I do...

wait for it....

So my sister apologizes for missing my call last night. She tells me that they were waiting for me to call before moving the car, but that they fell asleep before I called. <-- MOMENT OF BLAME SHIFTING. Oh no..I shouldn't get upset for not being able to park in the garage. Its not HIS fault for parking in the middle of the garage. It's MY fault for calling after they had fallen asleep and therefore missing my opportunity to park in the garage.

This is bullshit.

It's the little things.

I had a great weekend. It was full of fun and friends and laughs and food. It's amazing how one thing could just bring my weekend of fun to a screeching halt.

You see, I bought a house with my sister and her husband. It was good arrangement seeing that neither one of us could afford a place on our own. They pay half and get the master and half of the rest of the house. I pay half and get two small rooms and a bathroom and half of the rest of the house. The garage is one of the things we split. Unfortunately we only received one remote. He has it. I have to call whenever I need someone to open the garage...or I have to park the car, go through the side door, open the garage door from inside, and repark my car inside the garage. Leaving is a pain in the ass too because I either have to ask someone to close the door for me, or I have to pull out of the garage, park, go back inside the garage and close the door, and either run really fast before the door closes without tripping the sensor, or walk out the side door and go back to my car.

So tonight, after having fun at O's I drive home deciding that if there is no easy street parking, then I will do my side entry garage thing so I don't wake anyone up. I drive down my street to see no parking (at least nothing my car will fit in). I go down my lil alleyway and park my car in front of our garage. I go inside and turn on the light to see that he was parking in the FUCKING MIDDLE OF THE GARAGE! I was pissed. I called my sister and she didn't answer. I go back outside and the neighbor's stupid ass mini dog starts snarking at me. I go out to look for parking and end up parking way on the side street.

I'm so pissed. I don't even get to park in the garage half the fucking week because fucker has the fucking remote and it becomes a pain in the ass to do the fucking park-go in-open door-go out-park shit every fucking time. Then fucker has the fucking nerve to fucking parking his fucking car in the middle of the fucking garage.

My car has a built in remote that needs to be set. I tried doing it on my own, but I need help. I asked for help several times and nothing. Why should they help me when the have a fucking remote already? I hate that I'm a push over. I hate that they are walking all over me. I hate that I can't even be at home in my own home. It's not just the garage. There are other things too. It is all adding up. I'm boiling over...

THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS! I OWN THIS HOUSE TOO.

Event Planning Expo

Today Xtine and I ventured out to an Event Planning Expo. This is all to kick off something on the side that we can parlay into something full time and quit our non-fulfilling jobs. We were going to look at whats out there, see what we could do, can't do, etc. Also, it was an opportunity to get ideas for my birthday! woohoo!

We took pictures in a photo booth, which btw is a FABULOUS IDEA! I so want this photo booth for when I get married...or when I throw a super fabulous I'm single party. HAHA.

I like people and I like them to like me, but I wear my heart where God put it, on the inside.
~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:21

Please Lord give me the strength to say what I feel, be who I am, and face the fears. Give me the strength to stand on my own, put myself out there, without walls and without the guard. Let me be me, let me love and be loved.

After all, John Legend said it himself..."Love hurts sometimes if you do it right"

Its just me.

It's getting stronger, this feeling. I want it like everyone else, and yet something about me keeps f*cking it up. I'm tired, tired of being scared, tired of hurting, tired of the loneliness, tired of the confusion. I'm tired of giving up just enough of myself to fall, but have no one there to catch me.

It always ends up the same. Different guy, same results. It's me. I'm doing something, or not doing something, or not saying something, or saying it all wrong. I have a boy pattern that I just can't shake.

Maybe I'm not meant for that. Maybe I'm blessed with singleness. I had accepted that YEARS ago. Damn him for waking it up, stirring it around, and leaving me there to deal with it alone.

Only in my dreams.

I had a dream last night. In it my sister tells me not to be sad, but that someone now has a girlfriend. She won't tell me who, but she says its one of my buddies. I go online and see a joint myspace account flashing on my screen. Not only are they together, but they are also a singing act. Plastered all over the screen were pictures of the two of them singing and a corny duet was blaring from their profile. I started laughing and then woke up to find I really was laughing.

Funny thing is, I saw one of my buddies and he was with a girl who is friends with one of my other buddies. Is it time for me to play matchmaker???

Happy Birthday Grandma!

My Grandma turns 100 this year. Since we could not go to the Philippines to party, we made a little birthday greeting. it reminds me of the one we made for her when my brother was little. Still same giggles..still same reaction. hehe.

Why?

I haven't stopped crying since this afternoon at work. Yep. I cried. At work. It started last night. It hit me and I started crying. I was crying so hard I shut down my computer and went straight to bed. This morning I felt a cloud of sadness hanging over me. This afternoon I got a nasty email from a developer that made me cry alone in my cubicle. Since then I've been bursting into tears.

You're an idiot.

The Good, the Bad, the Ugly

So much to do, so little time. I've done my random blog entries, yet no real updates. Here is a quick run through of what's been going on. I'm loving that there are so many goods. Life is on the up and up.

The GOOD

1. House is super fabulous and cute as a button.
2. I'm serious about starting up a side business. Does anyone need invitations made?
   
3. The Old Crush - been crushed and I'm over it!
4. There is a New Crush! He's cute, and he's real! (hahaha)
   
5. I have 4 references for my P.E. Exam.
6. I won $69 on a penny game in Vegas.
7. It's over and I survived with a new found drive for something more.
   

The BAD

1. Work is a bitch and so is my boss. haha.. J/K...a little.
2. I have a boy pattern. I don't think it will be broken by new crush =(
   
3. First mortgage payment is due on June 1st.
   

The UGLY

1. I'm "Vegas Bloated".
   
2. I want more, but don't know how to get it.
   

Trying to find...

...that all elusive peace of mind...

I'm letting go..SOOOOO DO NOT WANT TO! I miss him. Now that he's gone I've had to face it head on. Why can't I get over it? I need to. There is my future..my future is waiting patiently for me. I'm gonna lose my future if I keep holding on to someone who isn't there. I miss him though. I really miss him.

Do you see me now?

I get it. I know better, and yet here I am again. I can't keep doing this...being the Back-Burner Girl. The Girl you talk to in between conquests. The Girl you talk to when you want to feel better about yourself. The Girl you rarely hang out with, but talk with often. The Girl who gives you the emotional support you just can't seem to get from her. The Girl you treat like crap in public so as not to give the impression of togetherness. The Girl you let worry about you, but never worry about her. The Girl you keep in your life when your single and ditch when you're not.

I am not a placeholder or a 'Miss-Right-Now'. I'm a Girl who wants to be loved and taken cared of. I'm the Girl who deserves it. I'm the Girl who isn't getting it from you. I'm the Girl who wants to walk away. I want this to be my good-bye. I want to shut you out. For whatever reason, I can't...and it's tearing me apart.

First Night Home

Saturday was my first official night in the house. It was weird. I've never been big on sleeping in other places, hotels, family members homes, sleep overs...I'm never able to sleep comfortably or the whole night through unless I was dead beat tired, sick, or a lil drunky drunk. That's how I am at the Vegas house. That's how I now am at my own house. It will take a lil while, but I will get used to the non-noise moments, followed by trees tapping on the window in the hall, followed by the owl, and back to the non-noise.

It shouldn't be too difficult..hehehe. It IS after all still my super comfy bedroom set, just in a different room.

No One.

What is it about you? Why YOU? It's going to be like this forever, isn't it? You're never going to say it, are you? I might never come out of this, huh?

Confessions of a Door Mat

I'm working on my next super long blog entry. I've been writing brain dumps in my blog and in my journal for weeks now. At some point I will put them together into something once I have a moment to get it straight in my head. For now I feel like this:

SILLY. SAD. EXCITED. NERVOUS. SOBER. JEALOUS. REBELLIOUS. FRUSTRATED. LOVED. IGNORED. UNDER APPRECIATED. NEEDED. DRUNK. DISAPPOINTED. OVERACHIEVER. SURPRISED. LET DOWN. OCD. SLEEPY. HYPER. CONFUSED. ANXIOUS. IRRITATED. ANGRY. RUSTY. SENSITIVE. MISUNDERSTOOD. ALONE. PHOBIC. DETERMINED. MESSY. ACCOMPLISHED. BITTER. RANDOM.

It's been over a month since: I've slept more that 5 hours in a night. Taken a nap. Been to Vegas. Eaten at Honda-ya. Seen my Girls. Worn work pants. Gone to Church. Had a John Legend sigh. Did something creative that didn't involve the Wedding. Talked to him. Had the non-stop giggles. Was given a good hug. Worn my School Ring.

I'd say cry too, but I did that last night...while I was printing more shower invites, and shopping for my shoes for the wedding online..It was good. I needed a good cry. Unfortunately I think it was too little too late. I'm disappearing. I want my ring back.

Two more weeks. THERE'S NOT ENOUGH TIME!

Guarantee This

Life is crazy. At any moment the world can turn upside, the earth can swallow you up and then spit you out, or the sky could fall. You never know what will happen when and to whom, but I have noticed that in my life there are several guarantees...

I can guarantee that:

• My Dad will tell me he is getting old and ask me for a hug.
  
• My Mom will be critical of every aspect of my life, and even though its out of love, I will be totally offended and upset by what she says.
• My Sister will tell me I am upsetting myself or that I have big boobs.
• No matter how old he is, my Brother will always kiss the top of my head and tell me where he is going, who he's going with, and when he'll be back.
• Xtine and I will get the giggles and O will give us the "you are crazy" look.
• O will know the chicest places, restaurants, fashion, and stores.
• Xtine will always be down to eat some sort of potato dish (Potatofest 2008 mang!)
• He means more to me than he will ever know, and I can never say it.
• I will rebuilt any burger or sandwich to make sure everything is in there evenly and eat all the pickles first. Half way through, I will take the tomato out and three-fourths through I will take out the lettuce.
• Bosslady will find something wrong with anything I do, and if she doesn't, she will bring up something from the past.
• Val will be down to see any movie.
• Mi/Me is just a text away, and he does mi me.
  
• I will be on my Crackberry, unless I'm on my Mac.
• Target is better than Walmart.

Dreamt a little dream.

Okay. I managed to fall asleep for like 5 minutes just now and had the weirdest dream. I know I've had it before. I only remember this...

His Name: David
This Phrase: Let the wound heal, but don't forget how you got the scar

I don't know a David. I don't know what the wound is or the scar. All I know is that I had that dream a few weeks ago and again tonight. Are you David?

BLAH

I need an escape! I've needed one for a while. When things get to crazy, I like to retreat to Vegas for a weekend of no Internet, no computer, no work, no phone, no drama. I need to sleep!

Bossylady is driving me mad. So is her mini-bossylady. Boo. Its the weekend and I am still working. Its the weekend and instead of working on my super fabulous home, I am freakin' entering invoice work.

The CW has been in the office everyday this week. Not only has she been in the office everyday, but its been most of the day, and her stupid ass flowers are back up on the bin. They come in on Fridays, they are half dead by the time we get back into the office on Mondays. So annoying. Screws with my allergies.

I've decided that there is no point in working my ass off. I can work my ass off and half kill myself and still not be thanked or recognized then what's the point? I'm not saying I need to be giving awards or prizes or anything. I'd settle for a thank you or a great job! Something! I wish they we fight for us more too. Fight for more fun stuff. SOMETHING!

Friday is the when the carpet is installed and we can start moving in the following weekend. At least I have that to look forward too...

Stuck here somehow?

I had an interesting conversation with my Dad today while we were at my house. He voiced some of his concerns regarding our new house. He was near tears, and of course with me being me I too felt like crying. He outlined a possible scenario of how my life might turn out with this living arrangement. He is afraid for me, that I might end up wasting my life away taking care of someone else's family or be reduced to a live in babysitter/maid. He knows me too well. He knows that I am perfectly capable of sacrificing my life to take care of others. There is a great possibility of that happening. I've done it in the past with my siblings, my ex boyfriends, my friends. I do it now. I could end up unmarried taking care of my sister's household and kids.

So I am sitting here listening to "Forever Yours".. a compilation of traditional and contemporary wedding ceremony songs... trying find the right song(s) for the ceremony. Ugh. It's starting isn't?

I want someone to take care of. Someone who will want to take care of me as much as I want to take care of him. Someone who sees me as I see him. Someone to protect me. Someone to worry about, and yet still feel comforted in knowing I don't have to worry about myself. I want to know who it is that I am missing.

Starts in my toes...

So there's this guy....hehehe. :D

Feels like home..

I HAVE A HOUSE! hehehe. After months of on and off searching, run arounds, offers and counter offers on other houses, we (me, Dee, and P) finally have ourselves our own home. It was a quick sale and we were able to purchase the home at a VERY good price in a nice neighborhood. We've been setting up our house for eventual move-in (hopefully before the wedding).

It's three bedroom, two-and-a-half bath, and even though it is zoned as a detached condominium, it feels like a house. It has great built-ins in the living room, granite tile counter-tops and stainless steel appliances in the kitchen, recessed lighting, and is completely wired for sound throughout.

Water and electricity is up and running. Gas will be ready on Thursday. Since the Bachelorette party was postponed, Dee, Meh, and Dad-do and I went to the house to clean up the yard. I'm sore all over from that yard work. Man.We hacked away the overgrown bird-of-paradise and got to the cute little fountain. After a quick cleaning, we turned it on. It's cute, but a lil' loud. hehehe. Makes you wanna pee...but not in our bathrooms..they're nasty. New toilets are definitely on the list!

Carpet should be in within the next week or so. Painting in between. After that, we can start moving in.

I'M SO EXCITED! When are you coming over?

Sweet Escape

As I have said time and time again... Work is really kicking my ass. Most of it isn't so much the workload, but the hefty dose of grumpiness, disappointment, belittlement, and all around blahness that comes along with it.

I was able to take the afternoon off to do a little house stuff and relax and just be away from work. Of course I took a bag load of work home with me..but I doubt I will end up working on it. My weekend is full! Tonight I bring my sister to have her wedding dress altered, then Bachelorette party for Dee Saturday and Sunday, then Sidney's baptism Sunday afternoon.

It looks like my weekends are booked with house stuff, wedding stuff, along with my normal social calendar stuff until the wedding. I'm ready for my next Vegas trip! hehe. It's schedule for the end of May. Woohoo!

It's Me.

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

I randomly came across this quote today and it got me thinking. That is sooo what I do, I make everyone else a priority before me AND I let them put me on the backburner. It's what I have been doing since the beginning of time.

How do I stop without losing everyone?

::YAWN::

Apparently I have forgotten how to sleep. Not only did I have a hell of a time just falling a sleep last night, but at 7:30 AM I found myself wide awake staring at the ceiling...on a Saturday...on a day when I have nothing planned until this afternoon. I think I only slept an equivalent of 4 hours. it's been forever since I have taken a nap.

I can't seem to shake this feeling...NO it isn't that...and NO it isn't that either. It's not him, or him, or her, or that. Something is wrong. I don't know what. I can't sleep. I can't dream. I can't communicate without an expletive. I've been feeling this way for weeks...and I surprisingly have not cried once. Which only further supports that it's NOT that. Could I be going through another quarterlife crisis?

It's all f'ed up!

What falls must rise once again...

Monday was a bitch. Target couldn't even console me. Helping one of my favoritest people pick out luggage for her trip to Europe kinda helped, but the nastiness of it all was still lurking under the surface. I am very much excited for her trip though! Even though I'm gonna miss her and I might just go a little crazier because of it.

Tuesday was happier. We signed the last of the papers and closed escrow. The house is ours as soon as we have word that they received their monies and we get our keys. That is supposed to be today. This weekend we start setting up the utilities and cleaning house. YAY. I am so getting new carpet and demolishing that fugly built-in in my room. hehe.

I've started doing my Free-Popcorn Tuesdays. I saw 21. It was okay. Kinda fun to see the Red Rock Casino. I think I might have to take another Vegas Trip soon. Red Rock is the best. I always have the best of luck at that Casino. Boo to the Palms.

I got yelled at today. Actually I should say, I got yelled at AGAIN. Why she can't just talk to me without a snippy tone, I don't understand. Even when she asks me if I'm going to watch Idol it sounds so confrontational. WHY? You know what? I don't care. The only thing I care about is that I don't end up like her. If I keep up this attitude, I will...huh?

My neck is worse. It has spread to my left shoulder and it kills when I toss my head back in the giggles or when I tilt my head to the side when I'm concentrating. Oh! On the plus side, my mom massaged my shoulder and put vicks (yum) and one of those little icyhot heating pads on it. She says I'm stressed out because I make myself feel like I have to take care of everything and everyone all the time and to just stop. I know, I know. It's hard to stop. I worry too much. I know.

We're good. I still feel broody. I changed. I'm painfully aware of that.

And it all falls down

I cracked today. BADLY. It's been one of those bad spells. It started last week. Work has been piled up on me. I've been feeling like I'm drowning. I told my boss-lady so. She looks at me and says, "Just DO it." Wow. What a novel idea. Just do it. Why didn't I think of that before?!

I'm burned out and over worked. On top of that, the house is freaking me out. We had to sign a bunch of papers over our lunch break. So much crap. Our house is classified as a "condominium - detached". HELLO. I thought a condo was ATTACHED. Our house is completely detached. It looks like a freakin' single family residence! Then I had to take a loan out from my 401k. I will be working at with my company for another 10 years or until I completely pay it off. Yay me.

My bosses are getting a house. I hear/see them taking care of all the stuff during work hours. Why I didn't take more time off to deal with the house stuff, I don't know. I just hope that they let me take time off to take care of my house like they are taking care of their house.

Then the email came in. The one that we were all kind of expecting, and yet were surprised by. Yep. Someone has stepped down and his office has been cleaned out. He just disappeared right before our eyes. I'd rather the other one go, but hey, it helps that we don't have to see the smirks and the glances anymore.

At home it's all about the wedding. Actually, its all about the wedding invitations. I'm still printing! Actually. I am not printing right now. Right now I'm waiting on more envelopes and stamps. My printer hates me. It eats every 4th envelope. We have lost 34 envelopes so far. Those things aren't cheap.

All this stuff...it's starting to affect me physically. I haven't slept (what's new) and I haven't been able to relax or even take a breath. My shoulders feel heavy and are in a constant state of ouch. I pulled a muscle in my neck when I was getting ready for work. I couldn't turn my head most of the morning. I'd have to turn my entire upper body to look to the left. It was a bitch to drive.

I think I might have fucked something up today. Like really fucked it up. I said something that I shouldn't have said, and in a way I shouldn't have said it. I want to take it back but I can't.

fuck fuck fuck...stupid dumb fuck!

Let it burn.

I went to my first bonfire of the year last night. It was fun! It reminded me of high school when we used to go to the beach practically every weekend. It was freakin cold tho. Even colder since it was me and three other couples...but that's okay, I'm not bitter. hehe.


Next to us were some crazy people who stacked a bunch of crates and file boxes full of paper in one of the pits and doused it with lighter fluid. Oh dang was that a big fire.


I watched the fire pits thinking how nice it would be if I could dump this feeling in the fire and let it burn away to ashes. It would make things so easy. I feel as though I am constantly struggling and it finally hit its breaking point last week. I wish I knew what to do, what to say, how to act. There is so much I want to say, but can't. The reason why I never did was because I didn't want to get hurt. Well. As it turns out, I hurt either way. By not saying anything, I am hurting myself. If I do say something, I am putting myself out there and taking my guard down. That scares the shit out of me!

I see

"The heart has eyes that the brain knows nothing of." - Charles H. Parkhurst

It's frustrating when your heart tells you one thing, but your brain tells you another. You know what is best for you and your well being and yet you find yourself back there...back to that place where your heart hurts. You let him in and he lets you down. You forgive and forget and make excuses, but in the end, you know what needs to be done. It's time to cut him lose, it has been for a LONG time. Don't try to rationalize it, don't try to make excuses, just do it. Let him go. Let it hurt. Let it heal. Move on.

Why do I get so damn attached?

Say it again..

Finally, after this many years, last Thursday was just another day. It was no longer his birthday. It was just another day. FINALLY.

I'm ready. So ready. Bring it on.

"The thing about me is that I really want to let you open that door and walk into my life."

Stop with the expectations.

I've come to realize several things. I'm disappointed and slightly heartbroken. Not in the "romantic-love" kind of way, It's more in the "let down" kind of way. Unmet expectations, even the smallest ones, can be a bitch.

I especially hate those common sense ones. It's like..HELLO!

frustration to the Nth degree

BLAH!

I work too much. I need a vacation. Anyone want to run away to Vegas with me? Only request is that there be NO internet and NO telephone. I need to disconnect again.

Any takers? Okay...maybe I should go by myself. People need a chance to miss me a little. :)

I am not a Xerox machine.

It's another year with the same work, in the same department, at the same company. I'm tired and burned out. My boss can see that, finally, it's only been two years. Ugh. I had a super stellar review...which was partly surprising and partly predictable. She made us do our own reviews this year because she is just so gosh darn busy. I gave myself all 5's. It was one tough ass year and I still stuck around to see it through. I deserved all 5's...she thought it was very gutsy of me to have done that and only changed one thing to a 3. It was the one about maintaining property or something. She seems to think that if you don't break anything, it merits a 3, but if you fix something then you can move up to a 5. Whatever. blah.

I got a nice size raise. I wonder what new toy I should get...maybe a house?

*sigh*

I want someone to sing me a love song.

Random Quote of the Day

BadPanda and NinaBoo were in the drive-thru and had just placed their order. BadPanda raises a fist and with his jaw clenched says, "She better have gotten our order right, or I'm going to head-butt her in the ovaries!" NinaBoo continues driving towards the window. Suddenly she breaks, the car comes to a hard stop, and she exclaims, "WHAT?!" Uncontrollable giggling occurs, but not from who you'd think. hehehehehehe

boob and sleep, that's all a boy really needs

Today I travel a good 5 minutes to Woodbury to see lil Cid and his parents. I wanted to catch up with O and see how she was doing after squeezing out a 9 lb, 7 oz baby. Wow. Sid better give his mommy lots of hugs every Mother's Day for the rest of his life, he might have broke her.

So we talked about how she was doing, how I was doing, what's up with me and the boys in my life, and of course baby Cid. I held him while the parents and grand parents ate dinner together. He is so sweet...and even the top of his head smells sweet. We bonded over some TV watching. Then he got squirmy and was doing that searching for food face towards my boob. I told him it may look like a lot in there, but really..nothing is in there, just air...hahaha. no. Mommy O promptly took him from me and said it was time for the boob and sleep. The boob and sleep, that's all a boy really needs.

I scurrred

Speaking in public terrifies me. Fear of falling from someplace high terrifies me. Disease terrifies me. Tube tops terrify me.

The two things that terrify me the most are 1) not being able to take care of the people I love, and 2) getting close to someone new. Now, those two things may seem to contradict each other in some ways. How do you care so much for someone new if you don't let them get close to you? I find that it's pretty easy. You care, you worry, you have those dreams about them, you may even have feelings, but you don't tell them. Not all of it, not all at once, or maybe not at all. It's easier to disappear when they don't know. It's easier to hide. You're less likely to get hurt if you stay guarded.

Unfortunately, you end up with many one way relationships. You give and give, with little or no return. That's okay, the giving is a gift and when its a gift you're not supposed to expect something in return. If that were the case, then it would be a service, and not a gift. At least that's how I see it.

At some point, though, it has to be seen and it has to be said and I have to give in. I just hope that I haven't missed out on it already because of my guardedness.