Wednesday, January 02, 2008

I scurrred

Speaking in public terrifies me. Fear of falling from someplace high terrifies me. Disease terrifies me. Tube tops terrify me.

The two things that terrify me the most are 1) not being able to take care of the people I love, and 2) getting close to someone new. Now, those two things may seem to contradict each other in some ways. How do you care so much for someone new if you don't let them get close to you? I find that it's pretty easy. You care, you worry, you have those dreams about them, you may even have feelings, but you don't tell them. Not all of it, not all at once, or maybe not at all. It's easier to disappear when they don't know. It's easier to hide. You're less likely to get hurt if you stay guarded.

Unfortunately, you end up with many one way relationships. You give and give, with little or no return. That's okay, the giving is a gift and when its a gift you're not supposed to expect something in return. If that were the case, then it would be a service, and not a gift. At least that's how I see it.

At some point, though, it has to be seen and it has to be said and I have to give in. I just hope that I haven't missed out on it already because of my guardedness.

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