Okay. So. Since the infamous him I've lost my ability to trust in my own judgment. How, you might ask? Well its simple really. I loved him, I thought I knew him, we could have entire conversations without speaking, he was my best friend, we had built a life together and I was looking forward to the future. Then, it came crashing down. Having been my best friend, he knew how to damage me the most. It wasn't a matter of break up, it was a matter of breaking me..breaking me in hopes that he would be the only one to fix me. Well he was wrong. I'm fixing myself, but in that process I am learning that the trust doesn't come as easily as it used to, the suspicion takes over a lot faster, and there is the fear.
This fear is a bitch. It's taken control over my own judgment, every guy is a bad guy, every guy will hurt me eventually, it's only a matter of time...So I stay in the friendzone or I find myself in that in between place with a guy. I become that girl who is there after a break up, or when he is bored, or when he needs that emotional girlfriend-type support/attention that he isn't getting from his current girlfriend...but I am never, EVER, the girlfriend. I don't know if its me purposefully picking these guys or these guys picking me...all I know is that it HAS to stop. It practically tore me apart last year.
This time, this year, it has to be me. I know what I want. Despite what he said, I do deserve it. I'm NO SUBSTITUTE LOVE!
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