Wednesday, November 21, 2007

No Regrets

This has been one crazy week. I don't know what it was about this week, but damn people...why so much talk about my Ex?! All the things I didn't (or should I say couldn't) do while I was with him came back to haunt me. I was lectured about my current lifestyle: the drinking, the disappearing, the secret boys. So I will tackle each one...

...the drinking...I am not a super big drinker, I never was. I don't have any "I got stupid drunk and pee-ed behind a tree" stories from high school or "I got stupid drunk and threw up on my roommate" stories from college. My current circle of friends are not big drinkers.

I admit that this year is the year of the drink. This past year, the "might have a drink" became "a will have a drink" if I was not driving. I also started going out every other week with my co-worker to eat, drink, and bitch about work. My mom caught me drinking a beer after work a the two times I actually did that. So now, according to my Mom, I drink too much. Okay, so I drink more this year than I ever have in the past 10 years of my life. So what? Big deal! I'm still responsible about it, I don't come home wasted, I still refuse to get stupid drunk (on purpose anyways). 2 is my max drink limit.

...the disappearing...Okay. After living parent-free for 4 years in a different city, its hard to re-adjust to living with the 'rents again. I seem to recall that after I came home from school, I disappeared on the weekends. Much to the dismay of my parents I would spend my weekends in the IE with my boyfriend. Okay so I know it didn't LOOK good that I would be spending the night there, but it wasn't like he lived alone. He lived at home like me. We had the same sleeping arrangements there as we did when he came and stayed with me and my family. I also called and told my dad that I wasn't coming home EVERY time. Even after 2 years of disappearing, after being with the same boy for 6 years, and being 24 years old, I was still calling home to let them know I made it there and that I was staying the night. *sigh* AND as the oldest, I am of course blamed for my sister having similar disappearing habits, which results in a whole mess of other lectures that I'd rather not start in on....

Now-a-days, I still tell my parents that I'm going out and I have my celly on me if they need me. I may not come home the same day that I left, but I'm coming home in the same condition that I was when I left. There is nothing sinister, nothing wrong, nothing illegal happening when I'm away. I'm not being all slutty or selling drugs. Hello. Have a little faith. I always come back! I'm having fun. I'm going out. I'm being free to hang out with who I want, when I want, without guilt and without the walls of manipulation from my ex-boyfriend.

...the secret boys...So I'm not the most public person when it comes to boys. I don't talk about boys with my parents. I was never allowed to talk to boys outside of high school, let alone hang out or date them. In college I didn't tell them about the boys I met or the boyfriends I had. It took me months to finally introduce my parents to my ex-boyfriend. He was the first and only one of my boyfriends they ever met. That was a total disaster. My mom wouldn't even come out of the car to meet him. She didn't acknowledge his existence for almost a year. It really strained our relationship. (mine with him and mine with my mom) So, I still don't tell my parents about the boys I'm seeing. I don't even tell them about the guy friends I have. Why? Because as soon as they sense there is a boy anywhere near me, they are all up on my case about him. Who is he? Who is he to me? Is it something? Will it become something? ARGH. Lay off already!

Secondly, the boys. I'm still trying to re-establish relationships with boys in general. When I was with the ex, it was very hard to just have friends, let alone have ones that were boys. I was so consumed by him, he was my whole life. Frankly he scared away any boys in my life who weren't related to me. Insecure bastard! I still have a hard time trusting boys. I still feel as though sooner or later they will hurt me, even if they are just a friend. After all, my ex and I started out as just friends and became the best of friends. Until I can trust a guy, they will not be introduced to my family or inner circle of friends.

I know there are a lot of things I missed out on while I was with him. I don't regret it, I can't regret it. That's how that part of my life played out. Don't lecture me on things from the past. I can't change that. I learned so much about myself from that experience. I know what I want and I know what I don't want. Just let me live my life! You have permission to butt in when I'm self destructing, when I'm really hurting myself, or if I'm in danger. I don't see any of that, so let me be! I'm freakin' 27 years old for corn sake!

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