Like a Moth to a Flame

Back to Reality

No point 'n shoot pictures of our Vegas fun were taken so as leave any incriminating evidence in Vegas where it belongs. Tuesday evening was devoted to my artsy fartsy Vegas Lights shots with LuLu. Check them out here: http://gallery.mac.com/corinat

We accomplished much of what we wanted to in Vegas. Shopping, eating, drinking, gambling, and a little picture taking. I actually had some honest to goodness "happy nappy" type dreams. All my "worry" type dreams took a hiatus and I did forget for a little while...It just made coming back to reality a lot harder.

Oh, I didn't get to wear any of my Vegas Shirts...oh well..we still got an "Excuse me, you dropped your pocket" line from from random kid. We still don't know what that means.

My VS

Vegas Shirts have been pack. That's right, I said it..shirtS...as in more than one. Lucy is going to have a GREAT time! I want to forget about him on this trip. I hope to be over him by the end of this trip. Would it be bad if I started drinking now? (is this what my Mom meant?)

OMG I'm blogging at this almost 4 am. Umm..I'm so glad I'm not driving!

I'm not THAT random

Okay, so after some random blog reading, I've decided that I am not that random. Well, actually I've decided that I'm not that crazy. Really. I've read crazier. If I could, I'd link you...but then I would have to explain my whole "random selection" process for picking and reading these blogs. This would only result in me realizing that maybe I am a little crazy, neurotic, silly, and obsessive.

I'm going to take a mini vacay in Vegas. I can't wait. It's going to be super-fabulous. I must finish packing!

My Spoon is TOO BIG!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I am thankful for funny times and silly videos that make me laugh. hehehehe. I had to post this, it has nothing to do with Thanksgiving, but it's hilarious. Enjoy!



But most of all, I'm thankful for YOU!

No Regrets

This has been one crazy week. I don't know what it was about this week, but damn people...why so much talk about my Ex?! All the things I didn't (or should I say couldn't) do while I was with him came back to haunt me. I was lectured about my current lifestyle: the drinking, the disappearing, the secret boys. So I will tackle each one...

...the drinking...I am not a super big drinker, I never was. I don't have any "I got stupid drunk and pee-ed behind a tree" stories from high school or "I got stupid drunk and threw up on my roommate" stories from college. My current circle of friends are not big drinkers.

I admit that this year is the year of the drink. This past year, the "might have a drink" became "a will have a drink" if I was not driving. I also started going out every other week with my co-worker to eat, drink, and bitch about work. My mom caught me drinking a beer after work a the two times I actually did that. So now, according to my Mom, I drink too much. Okay, so I drink more this year than I ever have in the past 10 years of my life. So what? Big deal! I'm still responsible about it, I don't come home wasted, I still refuse to get stupid drunk (on purpose anyways). 2 is my max drink limit.

...the disappearing...Okay. After living parent-free for 4 years in a different city, its hard to re-adjust to living with the 'rents again. I seem to recall that after I came home from school, I disappeared on the weekends. Much to the dismay of my parents I would spend my weekends in the IE with my boyfriend. Okay so I know it didn't LOOK good that I would be spending the night there, but it wasn't like he lived alone. He lived at home like me. We had the same sleeping arrangements there as we did when he came and stayed with me and my family. I also called and told my dad that I wasn't coming home EVERY time. Even after 2 years of disappearing, after being with the same boy for 6 years, and being 24 years old, I was still calling home to let them know I made it there and that I was staying the night. *sigh* AND as the oldest, I am of course blamed for my sister having similar disappearing habits, which results in a whole mess of other lectures that I'd rather not start in on....

Now-a-days, I still tell my parents that I'm going out and I have my celly on me if they need me. I may not come home the same day that I left, but I'm coming home in the same condition that I was when I left. There is nothing sinister, nothing wrong, nothing illegal happening when I'm away. I'm not being all slutty or selling drugs. Hello. Have a little faith. I always come back! I'm having fun. I'm going out. I'm being free to hang out with who I want, when I want, without guilt and without the walls of manipulation from my ex-boyfriend.

...the secret boys...So I'm not the most public person when it comes to boys. I don't talk about boys with my parents. I was never allowed to talk to boys outside of high school, let alone hang out or date them. In college I didn't tell them about the boys I met or the boyfriends I had. It took me months to finally introduce my parents to my ex-boyfriend. He was the first and only one of my boyfriends they ever met. That was a total disaster. My mom wouldn't even come out of the car to meet him. She didn't acknowledge his existence for almost a year. It really strained our relationship. (mine with him and mine with my mom) So, I still don't tell my parents about the boys I'm seeing. I don't even tell them about the guy friends I have. Why? Because as soon as they sense there is a boy anywhere near me, they are all up on my case about him. Who is he? Who is he to me? Is it something? Will it become something? ARGH. Lay off already!

Secondly, the boys. I'm still trying to re-establish relationships with boys in general. When I was with the ex, it was very hard to just have friends, let alone have ones that were boys. I was so consumed by him, he was my whole life. Frankly he scared away any boys in my life who weren't related to me. Insecure bastard! I still have a hard time trusting boys. I still feel as though sooner or later they will hurt me, even if they are just a friend. After all, my ex and I started out as just friends and became the best of friends. Until I can trust a guy, they will not be introduced to my family or inner circle of friends.

I know there are a lot of things I missed out on while I was with him. I don't regret it, I can't regret it. That's how that part of my life played out. Don't lecture me on things from the past. I can't change that. I learned so much about myself from that experience. I know what I want and I know what I don't want. Just let me live my life! You have permission to butt in when I'm self destructing, when I'm really hurting myself, or if I'm in danger. I don't see any of that, so let me be! I'm freakin' 27 years old for corn sake!

I woke up and I knew.

I just woke up from a nap. I got home from work early, went to the grocery, and took a short nap on the couch before cooking my side dishes. I had another one of those dreams. I don't remember much of what went on or what exactly was said. He was in it. He appeared so happy. He told me a decision was made. When I woke up I knew. I knew what decision was made, why he was happy, why I was...well it doesn't it matter what I was. It's not like I didn't know this was going to happen eventually. He's been telling from the beginning that it was going to. He is happy and I am happy for him.

I don't know what it is about him. I don't know why out of ALL the people I've met or gotten to know recently, I have my "funny-strange" dreams about. And not in a gradual way like it normally is. It started within a few weeks of just talking in the office. It freaked me out. It still freaks me out. It terrifies me so much so that I've purposefully...well...there are walls and guards and a moat and a fire breathing dragon. I wasn't going to let myself go there.

There have been some dreams throughout the year that have remained unverified. Not all of them have been spot on. But I can remember at least 4 instances that I know for sure. I had the first dream the night of the company X-mas party last year. I had the second the night before his truck was broken into. I had the third the night before he found out he didn't do so well on an exam. I told him about the dreams that night. I thought maybe I was over it because I hadn't had another one for a long ass time. Then I had the forth dream the night before that stuff happened at work.

Okay, I thought no more work, no more dreams. Its been almost two months since that last dream, but now...now this one...If it is what I think, then these dreams related to him will stop. If it is what I think, then he has someone to worry about him. I don't dream about people who are taken cared of. It's not my place to, it actually never was to begin with...I have to keep reminding myself of that. It's going to stop. It HAS to stop.

Always on the Edge...

I was asked if I was going to go to the X-mas party this year. It got me thinking about the person I was this time last year. In some ways, I've progressed SO MUCH. In others, well...I'm still doing the same old shit. I've let go of a lot of baggage, but I'm finding that while I may have boxed up the old crap, I haven't completely gotten rid of it. It's still sitting there by the door waiting to be thrown out.

I wish I was bolder and more confident. I should just take it because I deserve it. I always find myself on the edge of something good..One more step, one more action, one more word, and then I'm there or it's mine. I get scared or chicken out and I back away. I'm still backing away!

Maybe my Moms was right. Ugh. Please don't tell her I said that.

Just because...

hi. I had to post it. I've been distracted by this picture for a couple of days now. I know, I'm too old for this...but hello..H-E-L-L-O! I don't know if its the tattoo that makes him hot or if it's him that makes the tattoo hot...either way..YUM!

...and NO I did not come home for lunch just to look at this picture. I came home to eat lunch because I am saving monies for my Vegas trip...

The Happiest of the Happy Nappy

That's what I miss, the "Happy Nappy". It's been forever since I've had that kind of nap. I nap now, but its not nearly has comforting and its not nearly as "happy". I miss that feeling of total relaxation, knowing that you are completely safe and taken cared of. I don't get me wrong, I am completely capable of taking care of myself, but the past year I've come to realize just how lonely it is. I want that again, that feeling that I'm being taken cared of, watched over, and missed by someone else. I want to take care of someone else, watch over them, and miss them when we are apart. That want is what is messing with me. I find myself worrying about the people in my life way too much. Part of is it me projecting my desire to take care of someone onto them. I get way too invested, more than I should sometimes. I start having my "worry dreams" that result to sleepless nights or unsatisfying naps. My behavior changes and all of a sudden I find myself taking care of everyone else that I forget to take care of myself. It was the whole reason I made a promise to myself to take better care of myself. It was the reason I bought myself a ring.

Okay, this blog entry started out as one thing, and now its going to turn into something completely different..

I have been having this reoccurring daydream all day. Each time it gets bigger and more elaborate. Aside from my email escapes, its the only other break I have during the work day. I feel better and happier every time I think about it. Then reality sinks in and I am blah until the next time I think about it. The daydream started last night when Xtine randomly says, "once [he] picked up some food..." and lo and behold it turned into a story with a back story. *sigh* Here is the ever-evolving story:

Boss-Lady has been crabby all day and yells at me yet again about something lame. A developer is breathing down my neck wanting their money that I was with-holding. I receive 2 more submittals on top of the 3 that I am already currently working on. A client calls wanting something else ASAP. Half the staff is out for various reasons like they're on vacation, in the field, or stayed home because it was too windy outside (yes, that was a real reason used by a co-worker and wouldn't you know boss-lady accepted it). Yep. It was another one of those days at work. The only saving grace is that I will be having a nice dinner with my man.

On my way home I receive a text: "I won't be home until late, I'm stuck at this meeting. I'm so sorry baby". GREAT! I get home, get the mail (er bills) and go inside. I pout my way into my pajamas a plop myself down on the couch with my husky, Essie. I fall asleep while watching the Magic Bullet infomercial on TV. (YES! You can make your pesto sauce!) As I'm sleeping, I hear a little bit of a ruckus in the kitchen, but I ignore it. After all, Essie isn't barking so there is no reason to be alarmed.

I feel him kiss my nose, but I don't wake up. I hear him whisper in my ear, "Wake up, baby...dinner is ready..." He kisses my nose again, and then my ear. I still don't wake up. He kisses my neck, right below the ear..and then again where my neck and shoulder meet. It tickles like crazy and I giggle. I sit up and look up at him kneeling there next to me. Without saying anything I grab his hand and give him a look. He looks at me and says, "Okay, 15 minutes..." He settles onto the couch and I snuggle up next to him as he wraps his arms around me. I fall asleep to the sound of his heart beat. We sleep for 2 hours.. hehehehe =)

I think I will continue to daydream and hopefully one day it will become reality. =)

Crushed

It's called a crush for that very reason, because often times you are left crushed, heartbroken even.

Boys are cute. I like boys. I miss boys. I really, really miss having a boyfriend. So. Apparently Corina likes her boys...a lot. This year, ever since I "woke up", my boy-craziness has gotten OUT OF CONTROL. It so easy to fall in like with a boy...or two..Its the making something of it that I'm having a hard time with. The daydreams, they just aren't cutting it these days. I'm lonely. I wish I could have just said it at the time. I should have expressed how I was feeling before. It never seemed like the right time, and now....well now is the worst time. Its all so confusing. I'm all mixed up.

Boys are cute, I miss boys. I miss one in particular right now...but that changes on an hourly bases these days...

Widgetmania!

I downloaded a widget...a blogger widget. As if I didn't blog enough, they make it even easier with this widget. What else can I download? How many is too many Widgets to have on your dashboard?

Okay, I've lost it, I just downloaded "Sing that iTune!" It shows the lyrics for the current iTune track. So far, it doesn't seem to know the lyrics to any John Legend songs...how rude!

Grab a spoon?

I'm constantly breaking my own heart these days. Hoping, wishing, pining, and waiting isn't doing anyone good. Especially me. I've grabbed a spoon, but I have yet to pick a flavor. I wish I could just say it, get it out there, be me. After all what do I have to lose? Depending on which way it goes, a lot. I hate gray areas. Who am I kidding, I've been in the gray so long that I might as well stop renting and buy a house already. Then I can run for Major of the Gray Area. Ugh.

Everything is just so confusing. I didn't think I would...you know...so much, but I do. This feeling, it surprised me, sneaked up on me, and now I can't get rid of it. Why? It would all be so much easier if I didn't feel this way...

I just noticed that this was my 100th post! Wowie.