Confessions of a Door Mat

I'm working on my next super long blog entry. I've been writing brain dumps in my blog and in my journal for weeks now. At some point I will put them together into something once I have a moment to get it straight in my head. For now I feel like this:

SILLY. SAD. EXCITED. NERVOUS. SOBER. JEALOUS. REBELLIOUS. FRUSTRATED. LOVED. IGNORED. UNDER APPRECIATED. NEEDED. DRUNK. DISAPPOINTED. OVERACHIEVER. SURPRISED. LET DOWN. OCD. SLEEPY. HYPER. CONFUSED. ANXIOUS. IRRITATED. ANGRY. RUSTY. SENSITIVE. MISUNDERSTOOD. ALONE. PHOBIC. DETERMINED. MESSY. ACCOMPLISHED. BITTER. RANDOM.

It's been over a month since: I've slept more that 5 hours in a night. Taken a nap. Been to Vegas. Eaten at Honda-ya. Seen my Girls. Worn work pants. Gone to Church. Had a John Legend sigh. Did something creative that didn't involve the Wedding. Talked to him. Had the non-stop giggles. Was given a good hug. Worn my School Ring.

I'd say cry too, but I did that last night...while I was printing more shower invites, and shopping for my shoes for the wedding online..It was good. I needed a good cry. Unfortunately I think it was too little too late. I'm disappearing. I want my ring back.

Two more weeks. THERE'S NOT ENOUGH TIME!

Guarantee This

Life is crazy. At any moment the world can turn upside, the earth can swallow you up and then spit you out, or the sky could fall. You never know what will happen when and to whom, but I have noticed that in my life there are several guarantees...

I can guarantee that:

• My Dad will tell me he is getting old and ask me for a hug.
  
• My Mom will be critical of every aspect of my life, and even though its out of love, I will be totally offended and upset by what she says.
• My Sister will tell me I am upsetting myself or that I have big boobs.
• No matter how old he is, my Brother will always kiss the top of my head and tell me where he is going, who he's going with, and when he'll be back.
• Xtine and I will get the giggles and O will give us the "you are crazy" look.
• O will know the chicest places, restaurants, fashion, and stores.
• Xtine will always be down to eat some sort of potato dish (Potatofest 2008 mang!)
• He means more to me than he will ever know, and I can never say it.
• I will rebuilt any burger or sandwich to make sure everything is in there evenly and eat all the pickles first. Half way through, I will take the tomato out and three-fourths through I will take out the lettuce.
• Bosslady will find something wrong with anything I do, and if she doesn't, she will bring up something from the past.
• Val will be down to see any movie.
• Mi/Me is just a text away, and he does mi me.
  
• I will be on my Crackberry, unless I'm on my Mac.
• Target is better than Walmart.

Dreamt a little dream.

Okay. I managed to fall asleep for like 5 minutes just now and had the weirdest dream. I know I've had it before. I only remember this...

His Name: David
This Phrase: Let the wound heal, but don't forget how you got the scar

I don't know a David. I don't know what the wound is or the scar. All I know is that I had that dream a few weeks ago and again tonight. Are you David?

BLAH

I need an escape! I've needed one for a while. When things get to crazy, I like to retreat to Vegas for a weekend of no Internet, no computer, no work, no phone, no drama. I need to sleep!

Bossylady is driving me mad. So is her mini-bossylady. Boo. Its the weekend and I am still working. Its the weekend and instead of working on my super fabulous home, I am freakin' entering invoice work.

The CW has been in the office everyday this week. Not only has she been in the office everyday, but its been most of the day, and her stupid ass flowers are back up on the bin. They come in on Fridays, they are half dead by the time we get back into the office on Mondays. So annoying. Screws with my allergies.

I've decided that there is no point in working my ass off. I can work my ass off and half kill myself and still not be thanked or recognized then what's the point? I'm not saying I need to be giving awards or prizes or anything. I'd settle for a thank you or a great job! Something! I wish they we fight for us more too. Fight for more fun stuff. SOMETHING!

Friday is the when the carpet is installed and we can start moving in the following weekend. At least I have that to look forward too...

Stuck here somehow?

I had an interesting conversation with my Dad today while we were at my house. He voiced some of his concerns regarding our new house. He was near tears, and of course with me being me I too felt like crying. He outlined a possible scenario of how my life might turn out with this living arrangement. He is afraid for me, that I might end up wasting my life away taking care of someone else's family or be reduced to a live in babysitter/maid. He knows me too well. He knows that I am perfectly capable of sacrificing my life to take care of others. There is a great possibility of that happening. I've done it in the past with my siblings, my ex boyfriends, my friends. I do it now. I could end up unmarried taking care of my sister's household and kids.

So I am sitting here listening to "Forever Yours".. a compilation of traditional and contemporary wedding ceremony songs... trying find the right song(s) for the ceremony. Ugh. It's starting isn't?

I want someone to take care of. Someone who will want to take care of me as much as I want to take care of him. Someone who sees me as I see him. Someone to protect me. Someone to worry about, and yet still feel comforted in knowing I don't have to worry about myself. I want to know who it is that I am missing.

Starts in my toes...

So there's this guy....hehehe. :D

Feels like home..

I HAVE A HOUSE! hehehe. After months of on and off searching, run arounds, offers and counter offers on other houses, we (me, Dee, and P) finally have ourselves our own home. It was a quick sale and we were able to purchase the home at a VERY good price in a nice neighborhood. We've been setting up our house for eventual move-in (hopefully before the wedding).

It's three bedroom, two-and-a-half bath, and even though it is zoned as a detached condominium, it feels like a house. It has great built-ins in the living room, granite tile counter-tops and stainless steel appliances in the kitchen, recessed lighting, and is completely wired for sound throughout.

Water and electricity is up and running. Gas will be ready on Thursday. Since the Bachelorette party was postponed, Dee, Meh, and Dad-do and I went to the house to clean up the yard. I'm sore all over from that yard work. Man.We hacked away the overgrown bird-of-paradise and got to the cute little fountain. After a quick cleaning, we turned it on. It's cute, but a lil' loud. hehehe. Makes you wanna pee...but not in our bathrooms..they're nasty. New toilets are definitely on the list!

Carpet should be in within the next week or so. Painting in between. After that, we can start moving in.

I'M SO EXCITED! When are you coming over?

Sweet Escape

As I have said time and time again... Work is really kicking my ass. Most of it isn't so much the workload, but the hefty dose of grumpiness, disappointment, belittlement, and all around blahness that comes along with it.

I was able to take the afternoon off to do a little house stuff and relax and just be away from work. Of course I took a bag load of work home with me..but I doubt I will end up working on it. My weekend is full! Tonight I bring my sister to have her wedding dress altered, then Bachelorette party for Dee Saturday and Sunday, then Sidney's baptism Sunday afternoon.

It looks like my weekends are booked with house stuff, wedding stuff, along with my normal social calendar stuff until the wedding. I'm ready for my next Vegas trip! hehe. It's schedule for the end of May. Woohoo!

It's Me.

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

I randomly came across this quote today and it got me thinking. That is sooo what I do, I make everyone else a priority before me AND I let them put me on the backburner. It's what I have been doing since the beginning of time.

How do I stop without losing everyone?

::YAWN::

Apparently I have forgotten how to sleep. Not only did I have a hell of a time just falling a sleep last night, but at 7:30 AM I found myself wide awake staring at the ceiling...on a Saturday...on a day when I have nothing planned until this afternoon. I think I only slept an equivalent of 4 hours. it's been forever since I have taken a nap.

I can't seem to shake this feeling...NO it isn't that...and NO it isn't that either. It's not him, or him, or her, or that. Something is wrong. I don't know what. I can't sleep. I can't dream. I can't communicate without an expletive. I've been feeling this way for weeks...and I surprisingly have not cried once. Which only further supports that it's NOT that. Could I be going through another quarterlife crisis?

It's all f'ed up!

What falls must rise once again...

Monday was a bitch. Target couldn't even console me. Helping one of my favoritest people pick out luggage for her trip to Europe kinda helped, but the nastiness of it all was still lurking under the surface. I am very much excited for her trip though! Even though I'm gonna miss her and I might just go a little crazier because of it.

Tuesday was happier. We signed the last of the papers and closed escrow. The house is ours as soon as we have word that they received their monies and we get our keys. That is supposed to be today. This weekend we start setting up the utilities and cleaning house. YAY. I am so getting new carpet and demolishing that fugly built-in in my room. hehe.

I've started doing my Free-Popcorn Tuesdays. I saw 21. It was okay. Kinda fun to see the Red Rock Casino. I think I might have to take another Vegas Trip soon. Red Rock is the best. I always have the best of luck at that Casino. Boo to the Palms.

I got yelled at today. Actually I should say, I got yelled at AGAIN. Why she can't just talk to me without a snippy tone, I don't understand. Even when she asks me if I'm going to watch Idol it sounds so confrontational. WHY? You know what? I don't care. The only thing I care about is that I don't end up like her. If I keep up this attitude, I will...huh?

My neck is worse. It has spread to my left shoulder and it kills when I toss my head back in the giggles or when I tilt my head to the side when I'm concentrating. Oh! On the plus side, my mom massaged my shoulder and put vicks (yum) and one of those little icyhot heating pads on it. She says I'm stressed out because I make myself feel like I have to take care of everything and everyone all the time and to just stop. I know, I know. It's hard to stop. I worry too much. I know.

We're good. I still feel broody. I changed. I'm painfully aware of that.