It was nothing....

It was purely textual!

John Mayer!

I just got back from the John Mayer concert. It was GREAT! He is amazing. I heart him. hehehe. He sings, has a crazy sense of humor, sports a hot tattoo on his left arm, and plays the guitar like a bad ass. hehe. Oh..it's amazing what a crew cut can do to a man's appearance..because DAMN...when did he get so cute? It was like when *nsync Justin became "Just Justin" and shaved those bleached blonde curls off his head..hello...



Seeing John Mayer live in concert is a must!

Colbie Caillat opened and she is cute! She sounds exactly like her album and would tell lil' stories about each song. :)

I despise how I adore you.

28-skidooo

It is definitely going to be a good one. I know it. I can see it. 28 is MY year. Yesterday was the first day and it was a GREAT DAY! I have a new found confidence. I'm happy, I'm smiling for no reason. I'm being silly at work..and I don't give a FUCK! *giggles* I can't pull that one off, can I?

Yep, this is my year. [insert cheesy smile here]

And then it happened...

It seems contradictory, the involuntary smiling, followed by moments of blue which sometimes turn into uncontrollable crying. I'm breaking away from the old me and moving into something new, something different. I am living. It's terrifying and yet very exciting at the same time.

Did you know you did that for me? You held a mirror up and I saw who I was and who I am now through your eyes. It was like I was in hibernation and I am slowly but surely waking up. I am so thankful He sent you to me when He did. You have no idea how much it means to me, how much you mean to me. I know there were times when I didn't do right by you, when I didn't say what I wanted to say, didn't ask what I needed to. It hurt you, it hurt me, it stifled our friendship. It confused me and messed with my heart and my head. I got attached. I struggled. I didn't handle it well. It was a mess and it still has not fully recovered.

There was a moment today when I just started to ball. Everything inside of me just poured out. You don't understand my crying, you never did, but I was crying for you. I was crying for me. I was crying for things that are too much of a habit to be considered a pattern. I was crying because I was living in a place that didn't really exsist. I was crying because I did it again. I was crying because I finally let you go.

hehehe

Okay so despite everything, I am still smiling. I dunno what it is or what but I am weirdly happy. My moments of blueness don't last nearly as long as they used to. Sometimes when I catch a glimpse of myself in my cube mirror I am surprised to see that I am smiling..SMILING! IN THE OFFICE! FOR NO REASON!

I think its the newly rediscovered freedom. Freedom from SLAK. Freedom from the blahness that was once him. So he didn't work out and we could never get our shit in sync. That's okay. It just means he wasn't the one. He's still super cute with his big brown eyes and his broodiness...but no. Its better that we're not talking so much or seeing each other. I'm sorry to say that I am smiling more and crying less without him, than with him... So long dear friend. You are missed.

It wasn't me..

I'm pretty sure this time, IT WASN'T ME! Well...I guess if you count my uncanny ability to seek out and like the ones who are so unavailable to me...well then yes, yes it was me.

The blah friends are racking up quite quickly these days.

I have a boy pattern :/

Okay. So. Since the infamous him I've lost my ability to trust in my own judgment. How, you might ask? Well its simple really. I loved him, I thought I knew him, we could have entire conversations without speaking, he was my best friend, we had built a life together and I was looking forward to the future. Then, it came crashing down. Having been my best friend, he knew how to damage me the most. It wasn't a matter of break up, it was a matter of breaking me..breaking me in hopes that he would be the only one to fix me. Well he was wrong. I'm fixing myself, but in that process I am learning that the trust doesn't come as easily as it used to, the suspicion takes over a lot faster, and there is the fear.

This fear is a bitch. It's taken control over my own judgment, every guy is a bad guy, every guy will hurt me eventually, it's only a matter of time...So I stay in the friendzone or I find myself in that in between place with a guy. I become that girl who is there after a break up, or when he is bored, or when he needs that emotional girlfriend-type support/attention that he isn't getting from his current girlfriend...but I am never, EVER, the girlfriend. I don't know if its me purposefully picking these guys or these guys picking me...all I know is that it HAS to stop. It practically tore me apart last year.

This time, this year, it has to be me. I know what I want. Despite what he said, I do deserve it. I'm NO SUBSTITUTE LOVE!

Happy 4th!

Yesterday was a FUN day. Full of lots of BBQ, people, watching, walking, sweating...hehehe. After a 20 min hike/stroll, OMR Family and I made it to Kyle & Christine's wilderness picnic where we ate our weight in short ribs, shrimp, brownie bites, funions, and soda. I took tons of pictures (check out my gallery) and watched as everyone played pass the Sidney.

After another 20 min hike back to the car, we made our way to the OMR house for another BBQ. There was a quick stop at the grocery where O introduced me to a John Legend song that I actually don't have (which btw, was promply downloaded the minute I got home). Once we got back to the OMR pad, I took more pictures, played with Sidney and watched a lil TV. People started to show and food was done, I ate my weight in ribeye steaks, fried rice, spinach dip, homemade ceviche, and birthday cake. Oh yum!

I had so much fun at both BBQ's and I'm ready for the next one at my house!!! I heart you guys!

Ewww....

Have you ever spoken to someone over the phone and you can just tell they are just icky and disgusting? Like skank-tastic and ugh-ly?. It makes me want to pour bleach in my ear.