Stop me. I want to shut down.

I want to believe that he is okay and that this arrangement will work, but its hard. We took him in like family. As with each of us, living here, there are rules. Rules which we each need to abide by. We might not agree with them, but out of respect, we follow them. He doesn't pay rent, we feed him and give him a place to stay. We don't ask him to do chores, or have these crazy expectations. For some reason, its not sticking with him. Maybe its a cultural difference. Maybe its that whole obligation thing that is pounded in each of us growing up...or is that just me?

I hate being the oldest. I hate being a worrier. I hate that I get so involved, so "in it". I hate that I soak up the feelings and environment around me too much. I hate the weird dreams and the hyper sensitivity. Shutting down sounds really good right now, but that's not an option. I need to learn how to be there with out being in the middle of it. Someone tell me how to do that!

Sun Comes Up

I now have three favorite John Legend songs. 1) Stay With You, 2) Save Room, and 3) Sun Comes Up. I feel as though if song #1 and #2 had a baby, it would be song #3. What do you think?

My Five - October Update

I knew there was a reason why I don't write My Five down. It's always changing. It changes almost hourly. I've decided to add pictures, because sometimes words just aren't enough....Here it be (in no particular order).

1) John Legend *sigh* (his voice makes my toes curl..hehehehe)

2) Scott Foley, call sign "Cool Breeze" (despite that, he's still in my five!)

3) JC Chasez (sorry Justin you've been bumped...again)

4) Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson (hello? need I say anything?? oh yeah, and the lighting is really good in this portrait!)

5) Michael Vartan (broodiness is soooo hot...)

The Game Plan

I just got back from seeing "The Game Plan"...I had been wanting to see this movie since I first heard they were making it. (Yes, I watch the Disney Channel, whatcha gonna do about it?!) Hello. It stars the Rock, it's a Disney Movie, and it stars the Rock, and it has football, and it stars the Rock, and did I mention that the Rock is in it? So, there is me, eagerly waiting and dying to see it and with NO ONE to see it with me. My sister doesn't see movies with me anymore. My brother (who owns every single football movie ever made and every single Rock movie ever made) laughed at me. My regular fellow movie watcher was not interested in going at all either.



Earlier last week Xtine mentions that she would see it with me after her husband vetoed it on their list of movies to see. We decided to go today, slightly curious why these boys didn't want to see this movie. We now know why. Barely 1/4 into the movie, I was tearing up. I refused to look anywhere other than to screen for fear that someone would catch me crying. It didn't stop. It got worse. To keep myself from completely balling, I focused on the muscles and tan-ness that is Dwayne...and I did a lot of blinking to keep the tears in.

All in all, it was a very good movie. And no, I was not the only one who cried. Xtine was crying. The lady in front of me was blowing her nose, and the lady next to me was wiping her face quite a bit too.

That reminds me, I have to update my five...again...

Catching some Zzzzz

I haven't slept like a normal person in weeks. Too much on my mind. Too many worries. Too many weird dreams. That's how it's been. I'd lay there for a few hours and then when I finally fall asleep, it would be filled with crazy dreams. I wake up feeling like I didn't sleep. I just want to be able to shut my brain off for a few hours and really sleep. After work I took the happiest nap ever. It was great, until the nightmares started up again.

This time I was alone in a tiny room in complete darkness. The walls and the floors were covered with thorns or pins. I couldn't sit down, I couldn't lean on the walls. I had to stand and I had been standing there for days. I was trapped and confined. I kept hearing scary noises, like crying and screaming. I started crying in my dream. My mom woke me up before I started crying in reality.

I know what this one means. The worries, its me, its all me. It's because it's so strong, this feeling I'm having. It's so palpable and heavy. It's everywhere, I live it, and I can't fix it.

I'm being dramatic again. This can only mean one of two things...or possibly both...

The Art of Covering

There are many covers out there, some work, some don't. Some improve the song, and others just make me love the originals more. Below are some of my favorite covers...

At first I thought, no one messes with JT, but this version of Cry Me a River is great!


I had wanted to post Marie Digby's cover of James Morrison's You Give me Something, but instead I came across this song. She is crazy amazing and has a good ear if she is able to turn the most random songs into great acoustic versions. I think I like this version of Britney Spears' Gimme More so much better!


Okay I couldn't help myself. This song is so much better sung by a girl. Here is Marie Digby's cover of You Give me Something. Umbrella is still my all time favorite cover from her.


I'm not a big Paula Cole fan, and I don't even really know what the original version of this song sounds like. I don't know if its the lyrics or Katharine McPhee's Voice, but I'm diggin' this song! Also, I get a little bit of the giggles when she says, "I was driving in my car.." and she does that steering wheel motion..hehehe


Covers that put a new spin on the song are great. Here is one I especially like, Before I Cheat by Joe, originally Before He Cheats by Carrie Underwood. It has a whole new meaning.


So I had to throw this one in. I LOVE JC Chasez and Tony Lucca! This was the song that pretty much got me hooked on those two. Yes it is from the Mickey Mouse Club...don't look at me like that, you know you watched it too!

Under my Umbrella

I've been daydreaming about it all day. It's my new obsession...I can picture it now! I just need to practice. Practice Practice Practice. This is going to be great! This is going to be...is it do-able? OMG. Baby steps.

Umbrella!

So Much Missed.

I purposely scheduled my disconnecting during a week when a) I would be super busy, b) my PC became half way dead, and c) I was not PMSing too much. Obviously that whole disconnecting exercise did not last very long because a week later when my iMac arrived I was online like a crazy maniac again. hehehehe. While I was disconnecting, I managed to connect better with some people, disconnect from others, see Wicked, watch my first USC Football game on TV and then my first home game at the Coliseum the following week, organize my room, have daily devotional time, go to church and SLEEP!

Disconnect/Reconnect
I think you can tell a lot about a person based on who their friends are. You can also tell a lot about a person by who they disconnect themselves from. It's funny how the week I was trying to "e-tox" was the week that several old friends contacted me via email/myspace/text. What the heck?

Wicked
OMG. I LOVED IT! I would totally see it again if anyone wants to go see it! I love the whole theater experience. The dressing up and driving to Hollywood and seeing a great musical! So great! I had to buy the soundtrack, and I've been listening to it practically every day at work.

USC Football
I love my Trojans, but what is going on with them!? The first home game that we attended was the USC vs. Washington State game. So much fun and it was a full house.


Room Organization
I wanted to make room for my new computer. While I managed to clean a lot off my desk and organize my closet, I'm still not finished with all the junk I have. I don't think I ever will be. It's worse than my desk at work.

Devotionals and Church
The spiritual side of me is struggling. I had two fairly decent weeks of quiet time and daily devotionals. When I was disconnecting, I was able to devote a little bit more time to that aspect, however I have not done very much of it since. Since the retreat, I have gone solo to church. I don't mind doing that so much because not having anyone to go with is a lame excuse for not going to church. It's especially true for me, who is a person who occasionally finds herself flying solo to parties and such. I prayed for a few weeks for God to give me the courage to ask someone to come with me to church. I was rejected, but that's okay. It didn't stop me from trying again last week. Spiritual health is very important and at some point he will go back. Until then, it will still be one of my many prayer requests.

Sleep
I slept a lot while I was waiting for my iMac. I knew that once it came I would not be sleeping all that much for a while. I've been averaging 4-5 hours a night. Who knew this computer could do so much! Pictures, Movies, Music. iLove!

So that's pretty much what happened during my brief moment of disconnecting. Now that I have my iMac and my Blackberry Curve, I am finding out that I am much more connected than I was before. The only difference is I am able to practice a little more self-control...at least I like to tell myself that I can. =)

Because there aren't enough.

More rules.

NEVER...

1. Cross the street without looking both ways first.
2. Ignore your instincts
3. Eat dirt
4. Try to fix something that isn't broken
5. Email, text, call, or call on someone when you are drunk
6. Sit/step on a rusty nail
7. Poke a bear
8. Come between me and what I want
9. Blog while PMSing
10. Expect someone to change, because they never will, but you will
11. Walk alone at night in a neighborhood you are not familiar with
12. Spread rumors
13. Eat my chocolate without asking me first
14. Make assumptions
15. Take pictures without taking off the lens cap or putting film in the camera
16. Talk with your mouth full

ALWAYS...

1. Say "Thank you"
2. Tell the truth
3. Ask me before eating my chocolate
4. Let me just cry
5. Remind me that its going to be okay
6. Have a pen
   
7. Know that I'm here for you
8. Drink enough water
9. Sing loudly and proudly, who cares if other people an hear
10. Understand that I can be uptight
11. Sit like a lady
12. Say your prayers
13. Carry a pad in your purse
14. Know that its okay to be silly
15. Have music in your life
16. Go with your heart
17. Be understanding
18. Say "I Love You"