Just Can't Find the Words....

Right in the eye...

Work makes me want to take my most favoritest pen and shove it in my eye...and then swirl it around. It is a massive amount of data work that I am training people on. I wanted so badly to catch up and I'm glad I finally have the opportunity too, but it's driving me nuts at the same time. I am really learning about my weaknesses as a trainer and mini-project manager. This is by no means anywhere close to what my bosses do on a daily basis, but still...I am barely hanging on. I have been this way for MONTHS. Actually I have been this way since last fall.

It's not that I stopped caring about work, its just that I lost motivation. I lost that drive. I no longer know what I am working towards. All those things seem so far away. About a month ago I finally hit my breaking point at work. I cried...a lot...It was horrible...since then it's been better, but who knows how long it will last...or how long I will last...or if it will even help in the end.

When I'm not at work, however, I am all smiles. You make me smile. :D A lot. *giggles*

You make me smile...Please stay for a while...

Will you count me in?

Maybe you might have some advice to give....

On how to be..INSENSITIVE...



Part of me wants to go back to the time when I was numb to it all...a time before that one guy noticed me, when I was just me, I just worked and went home and went to sleep. This past year alone I've had ups and downs. I'm feeling hypersensitive to everything and and everyone. Sometimes I feel like I just need a little break from it all. Just a moment to regroup. I think it would help. Help! I need a distraction.

wha?

I tell my sister today that I am blue. She turns to me, shrugs, and says, "I am insensitive to other people's feelings...are you going to be grumpy at me for saying that?"

So, now I feel bad. I feel bad for telling someone what I am currently feeling. This is why I don't share feelings too often. This is why I prefer to brood or why I lash out in grumpiness. Maybe I am too sensitive to other people's feelings. Excuse me for giving a shit about other people.

What the %&%#@)$!!!!????!!!

No wonder why she never gets along with mom. She's EXACTLY LIKE HER.

bluuuuuuuuue

I'm confused. I know what I want, but I'm struggling to get there. I'm sorry. I'm tired. I'm moody. I'm heartbroken.

In summary...I'm blue.

I forgot that's how you are. I forgot the indirectness...the run around...the taking but hardly ever giving. You save all the good stuff for when you need something. Stupid me for just giving it to you everytime.

I'm tired and fed up. You probably won't even notice...won't even care.

Bitting the Bullet

I guess when you turn 28 you physically cannot ride roller coasters anymore. At this point, you are "too old". hehehe. Yesterday was the company picnic at Knott's. I was so looking forward to this picnic. I LOVE amusement parks. Unfortunately amusement parks do not like me so much these days. I'm pretty sure it was the heat, at least that is what I am telling myself. It was the heat.

At the end of the day, we had ridden 4 rides, gotten heat stroke, and a nice tan. Yes, I said 4 rides. Ghostrider, Supreme Scream, Silver Bullet, and the Log Ride. I knew we were in trouble after Ghostrider. I was a little bit wobbly after that ride. After Silver Bullet, I thought I was going to pass out. What happened? I used to have NO problems with rollercoaster and rarely had motion sickness....It was worse that a hangover...

Son of a b*tch!

What the hell?! I've had it up to here with her. It's not fair, I shouldn't have to put up with all of this. I wish I could elaborate more...get it all out there...but I could lose something over it. This whole week has been so hard. I cried in front of them...ALL of them...well all but one of them...but still. I made other people cry too. I'm sorry, but some of those things had to be said. Some of those things have been eating away at me for months.

There is no question that I have been sad there every day since last fall. I never recovered from what went down. Since then its been a downward spiral. I dream of the day when I can leave and go somewhere else. What if I do and it's worse. What if I do and I find that what I left was the best?

I was there when I took this picture. Xtine had bb msg'd me asking me how I was doing. I took this picture and sent it to her. That was one day before the breakdown. I wanted to hide away under my hood. Ugh.