And it all falls down

I cracked today. BADLY. It's been one of those bad spells. It started last week. Work has been piled up on me. I've been feeling like I'm drowning. I told my boss-lady so. She looks at me and says, "Just DO it." Wow. What a novel idea. Just do it. Why didn't I think of that before?!

I'm burned out and over worked. On top of that, the house is freaking me out. We had to sign a bunch of papers over our lunch break. So much crap. Our house is classified as a "condominium - detached". HELLO. I thought a condo was ATTACHED. Our house is completely detached. It looks like a freakin' single family residence! Then I had to take a loan out from my 401k. I will be working at with my company for another 10 years or until I completely pay it off. Yay me.

My bosses are getting a house. I hear/see them taking care of all the stuff during work hours. Why I didn't take more time off to deal with the house stuff, I don't know. I just hope that they let me take time off to take care of my house like they are taking care of their house.

Then the email came in. The one that we were all kind of expecting, and yet were surprised by. Yep. Someone has stepped down and his office has been cleaned out. He just disappeared right before our eyes. I'd rather the other one go, but hey, it helps that we don't have to see the smirks and the glances anymore.

At home it's all about the wedding. Actually, its all about the wedding invitations. I'm still printing! Actually. I am not printing right now. Right now I'm waiting on more envelopes and stamps. My printer hates me. It eats every 4th envelope. We have lost 34 envelopes so far. Those things aren't cheap.

All this stuff...it's starting to affect me physically. I haven't slept (what's new) and I haven't been able to relax or even take a breath. My shoulders feel heavy and are in a constant state of ouch. I pulled a muscle in my neck when I was getting ready for work. I couldn't turn my head most of the morning. I'd have to turn my entire upper body to look to the left. It was a bitch to drive.

I think I might have fucked something up today. Like really fucked it up. I said something that I shouldn't have said, and in a way I shouldn't have said it. I want to take it back but I can't.

fuck fuck fuck...stupid dumb fuck!

Let it burn.

I went to my first bonfire of the year last night. It was fun! It reminded me of high school when we used to go to the beach practically every weekend. It was freakin cold tho. Even colder since it was me and three other couples...but that's okay, I'm not bitter. hehe.


Next to us were some crazy people who stacked a bunch of crates and file boxes full of paper in one of the pits and doused it with lighter fluid. Oh dang was that a big fire.


I watched the fire pits thinking how nice it would be if I could dump this feeling in the fire and let it burn away to ashes. It would make things so easy. I feel as though I am constantly struggling and it finally hit its breaking point last week. I wish I knew what to do, what to say, how to act. There is so much I want to say, but can't. The reason why I never did was because I didn't want to get hurt. Well. As it turns out, I hurt either way. By not saying anything, I am hurting myself. If I do say something, I am putting myself out there and taking my guard down. That scares the shit out of me!

I see

"The heart has eyes that the brain knows nothing of." - Charles H. Parkhurst

It's frustrating when your heart tells you one thing, but your brain tells you another. You know what is best for you and your well being and yet you find yourself back there...back to that place where your heart hurts. You let him in and he lets you down. You forgive and forget and make excuses, but in the end, you know what needs to be done. It's time to cut him lose, it has been for a LONG time. Don't try to rationalize it, don't try to make excuses, just do it. Let him go. Let it hurt. Let it heal. Move on.

Why do I get so damn attached?

Say it again..

Finally, after this many years, last Thursday was just another day. It was no longer his birthday. It was just another day. FINALLY.

I'm ready. So ready. Bring it on.

"The thing about me is that I really want to let you open that door and walk into my life."

Stop with the expectations.

I've come to realize several things. I'm disappointed and slightly heartbroken. Not in the "romantic-love" kind of way, It's more in the "let down" kind of way. Unmet expectations, even the smallest ones, can be a bitch.

I especially hate those common sense ones. It's like..HELLO!