Ano ito?

It's funny how I can understand Tagalog when its spoken to me, however I have no idea how to say anything other than the standard greeting, "thank you", "I'm hungry", and "Where is the bathroom?" And forget about reading it. It's even worse trying to read it! It looks like..well it might as well be a series of numbers....

Although, I used to be very good a pager code... 7317731778312-48111176-70-00-7415? It was easier to do 424-720..hehehehe. OMG, am I totally dating myself by mentioning pagers? LOL. It's so 1996.

So I recently starting looking at my Conversational Tagalog book again. I thought maybe I'd brush up, that way when I fake it, at least it looks real. hehehehe. There are some pretty strange dialogs in this book. For example: "Umiinon, sumasayaw. Pag pagod na ay ngumingiti na lang ako." Which means "I drink, dance. When I'm tired I just smile." It made me smile, so of course I have to use it. If only I knew how to pronounce the first, second, and seventh word in that sentence...

Unfold

I am LOVING this song by Marie Digby. It speaks to me. I don't know why. =)

Here are the lyrics if you feel compelled to sing along:

what i can remember
is alot like water
trickling down a page
of the most beautiful colors
i can't quite put my
finger down on the moment
that i became like ... this

you see, i'm the bravest girl
you will ever come to meet
and yet i shrink down to nothing
at the thought of someone
really seeing me
i think my heart is wrapped around
and tangled up in winding weeds

but i don't wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my.. imperfections
even though my feet are trembling
and every word i say comes stumbling
i will bare it all.. watch me unfold
unfold

these hands that i hold
behind my back are
bound and broken by my own doing
and i can't feel
anything, anymore
i need a touch to remind me
i'm still real..

my soul
it's dying to be free
i can't live the rest of my life
so guarded
it's up to me to choose..
what kind of life i lead.

cause i don't wanna go on living
being so afraid of showing
someone else my.. imperfections
even though my feet are trembling
and every word i say comes stumbling
i will bare it all.. watch me unfold
unfold

i will allow someone to love me
i will allow someone to love me...

love me.. love me...

iWorld - iDay 1

Day 1 as an official iMac user. Yes. I've done it. Not only did I get a new computer, but I've officially switched operating systems too. And you thought old dogs couldn't learn new tricks. hehehehehe. I'm learning..slowly. I just transfered all my music from my PC to my iMac. Next up are the photos.

Funny thing is that I've already gotten the hang of the iChat. Of course. So much for the disconnecting. Oh well. I knew it was going to happen. =)

It it normal to see an "i" in front of everything now?

iLove!

My iMac is in. In fact...I am blogging with my superfantabulous iMac right now! Its soo sleek, so *sigh*

iLOVE!

Oh...and my "E-tox" (JM, 2007) is officially over. I'm back!

Look for corrections/updates to several blog entries. hehehehehe.

Disconnecting

I had dinner with some friends last night. The conversation was so refreshing, even if some of it was about me being "too connected". I am too connected. I do need to "lose" my cellphone and turn off the computer for a few days. So I am signing off for a little while to detox. We will see how long this lasts, but I know it is something that NEEDS to be done. I need to re-assess some connections with people, is it real or is it just the convenience of technology? I need to disconnect with the technology and reconnect with the person. I'm started to forget what some people's voices sounds like.

Don't worry, I am not hiding or shutting out the world. I'm just logging off of AIM, yahoo messenger, and gtalk, and shutting down my computer for a while. I will be checking my personal email, just not as often. Today is the last day I will be on myspace. I won't be blogging, but I will be journaling like I've always done, with a pen and paper. I will have my cellphone on me, I just won't be chatting on AIM, texting, or emailing much there either. I'm still a phone call away, so just call me. We can have a normal conversation where I can actually hear the "LOL" and see the "..."!!!

I hope to see you in reality. =)

My Life, My Rules.

Updated 10/01/07

Okay. So I tend to have an obsessive nature. When I like someone, I think about them, ALWAYS. If only I can be as diligent about going to the gym, washing my car, cleaning out my email box, or eating vegetables as I am obsessing over some boy. I get it, you're over it. We are all over it, I should be over it and I say I'm over it, but clearly, by the way I talk I am not over it.

Having said that I am slowly compiling a set of rules to keep me in check when it comes to boys. Its mostly to weed out the bad ones to make room for the good ones. Hopefully in the process, I can keep myself from constantly talking about the bad weeds...

My Musts
Yes, I have a list of "Musts". I can hear the boys groaning now. No, there is nothing about appearance or financial stability (although it would be nice if you were taller and older than me and have your shit together when it comes to money). My "Musts" is not a very long list, but in order for us to be an us, you must:
a) Must Be Christian - I was in a relationship with a guy who was Catholic when I was undergoing some spiritual changes. He was not supportive, in fact he was the exact opposite and it hurt. I refuse to deal with that again.
b) Must Want to Get Married - I'm not saying let's get hitched now, but I do want to get married someday. It would be a shame to invest so much of myself into a relationship with someone who has no intention of ever getting married and I don't believe in trying to change someone into marriage.
c) Must Want Children - Again, I don't want to have babies now, but I will one day. This is for the same reason as above.
d) Must NOT be Taken - If you are married, have a girlfriend, or are currently in love with someone else, then walk on by. I will not share you romantically with anyone else. I deserve all of you, just like you deserve all of me.
See that wasn't so bad. If you are all four of those then feel free to move on to the next rule and practice it regularly on me! =)

If you don't have the balls to ask me out, then you're not man enough to date me.
Call me old-fashioned, call me sexist, call me anti-feminist, call me a cab. I don't care. What kind of guy wants the kind of girl who asks them out anyways? Its a little too forward and a little too ballsy for a girl to do so. I'm all about girl power, but when it comes to dating, boys are the pursuers and girls are the persuees. That's the way it's always been, that's the way it's supposed to be. It says so in the bible somewhere.

My face is up here!
Okay so I may have a little extra boobage, big deal. It does not matter how long you stare at them or how much you talk to them, they will NOT talk back. Wanna earn brownie points? Eyes up here Mister. Oh and while we are on the subject of boobage, do not look at other girls' boobage while we're talking. Hello. While it shows great flexibility to be able to turn your head completely around 360 degrees, it's sooo not attractive, not to mention very rude.

Save the games for the court.
I can outline my dating pattern as follows: date for 5 minutes, in a long term relationship for about a year, break up, not date for a year, date for 5 minutes, in a long term relationship for about 6 years, break up, not date for a couple of years, date here, not date, date there, not date... I don't have game, I don't know the rules of the game, I don't want to play the game. Don't fish for an invite, don't manipulate me into asking you out, don't send me mixed messages. If you like me, ask me out. If you don't, stop messing with me.

"I'm Busy"
If you're too busy to make time to get to know me, you're too busy to be in a relationship with. If you really liked me, you would make time for me, just like I would make time for you. I understand that some people are busy, hell I get busy. That's fine, just know that with me, if we keep trying to make plans and you keep saying "I'm busy"..at some point I will hear "not interested" and walk away.

I am not your emotional booty call!
With technology these days, its very easy to be too connected. I am one of those who is one call, text message, email, or IM away. This does NOT mean that I am in any way, shape, or form a booty call, physical or emotional. The emotional ones are tricky, because they come in the guise of friendship, but when you ONLY contact me when you are drunk, lonely, or when there is no one else, I notice. Believe you me I NOTICE. So don't use me like that, you lose a friend and a potential girlfriend that way.

I ain't no holla back girl!
Please work on your approach. Surefire way to get a fake name and number from me is to use a bad line to get my attention. Anything that starts with "hey baby", involves boob ogling, or ends with "sit on my face" are not good ways to approach a girl. A simple, "Hi" works. Not sure if the line you use is appropriate? If you have a sister or best gal pal, how would you want a guy to approach her? Exactly.

Flakes Need Not Apply
1) Be true to your word - If you say you are going to do something, do it. Even with the small stuff.
2) Don't flake out or "forget" - Forgetting is just another excuse. If I was that important to you, you wouldn't forget about me.
The lies and excuses add up. Once or twice on a rare occasion, but if this becomes a habit, then I'm out. It's all about respect.

Are we on a date?
As far as I'm concerned, there is dating and there is hanging out. If two people of the opposite sex are together and the following characteristics are present, THEN IT IS NOT A DATE:
1) It involves an errand of some sort - I'm sorry, picking up dry cleaning or going to Target together does not qualify as a date, you're hanging out.
2) Other people are with you - Unless it's another couple and you're on a double date, if other people are with you, then a bunch of you are hanging out. With enough of you, then its a party.
3) You're unsure if its a date, chances are it isn't - You're hanging out.
4) You are doing the same thing with this person as you would your best friend of the same sex and nothing more - You're hanging out with your best friend of the opposite sex.
5) You arrive there (wherever "there" is) and you split up to do your own thing - You carpooled with you friend and you aren't even hanging out. What's wrong with you?

Same Goes for YOU
There is a difference between not doing something because you can't and not doing something because you won't. I understand the can'ts, we all have can'ts, its the won'ts that REALLY tick me off. Don't ask of me what you are unwilling to do yourself.

Okay that's all for now, I'm sure things will come to me as time goes on so check back on the list often. hehehehe.

My Catalysts

Updated 10/01/07

This was the year of change, but the past few months I've fallen, yet again. Sometime in the spring I stopped going to church, by summer I stopped going to the gym, and since the end of the dreaded "busy season" I've stopped caring about work. All three things were very important parts of my overall growth and health and I just stopped. Why? I believe it is because I lost focus. I got caught up in doing it for me, or for a boy, or for some social event, instead of focusing on HIM!

So then here comes the retreat. The retreat I had known for months that I was going to, the retreat I was soooo not prepared for. The Foundry kids are amazing. They are so filled with the spirit of the Lord in all they do and it's intimidating. Half the people there are in seminary or are heavily involved in various ministries. They can spout out bible verses from memory like I can spout out the lyrics to a Britney Spears song. So here they are with their well worn, well read bibles, and then there is me, 2 years after being baptized, still a baby in my spiritual growth holding my bible that is so under-read that it still creeks when you open it. HELLO! Major kick in my Spiritual Butt!

During the retreat we discussed what it means to love your brothers and sisters in Christ. We cultivated a list of various things that included that one must do to express that love, and they include: listening to them, caring for them, serving them, being giving and encouraging them in Christ, asking and giving forgiveness, and being humble. The one that really resonates in me is that I must be willing to confront them on their sins.

The speaker asked, "When was the last time you confronted someone about their sins?" It had been forever since I have. It's been forever since I've even thought about any sins, big or small. It's probably because I've been committing them myself, so for me to confront someone else about it would be like confronting myself. He then asked, "When was the last time someone confronted you about your sins?" Several people come to mind. They may not all have helped me as a brother or sister in Christ, but each of them have provided insight into some of my sinful and semi-self-destructive behavior in various aspects of my life. Their presence have brought about changes in me. Most likely they have no idea how much my life has been blessed by their friendship, but here I go.

MA - My "God Willing" Catalyst - We were destined to meet you and me, and when we finally did it was like we knew each other all our lives! You met me in the middle of my spiritual transition, when I was still wavering between Christianity and Catholicism. And while I still remain fairly quiet and shy about my faith, you're patience and understanding with me and the struggles I have in my walk is a continued blessing to me. You are my sister and a major source of encouragement. You challenge me in a way that doesn't freak me out or shut me down. I thank you for keeping me in prayer and inviting me to your church retreat every year. Please continue to keep me accountable! My "You're so random" Catalyst - You didn't know the random me, and you have no idea how happy I was when you said that to me. It means that I'm coming back and I haven't lost me.

VH - My "What the HELL?!" Catalyst - You make work fun, despite the you know who doing the you know whats you know when, you know? You make our bitchfests even better! You, my dear, are funny and kind and have taught me that its okay to laugh at yourself even when you trip and fall on your face or walk around with your fly open all day. We get each other's humor, because it is essentially the same! Is it weird? Probably, but who cares right? Thank you for the mini-escapes from work, even though we end up complaining (I mean talking) about work the whole time anyways. Also, thanks to GH for letting me borrow you every now and then to watch movies. =)

SLAK - My "I like you, do you like me too??" Catalyst - I've been in and out of "like" with you forever. You are the very first guy that I allowed myself to fall for after the break-up. You've really tried my patience and confused me to no end with your flirtatious nature and mixed messages. I'm walking away from the possibility. I'd much rather have you as a friend then nothing at all, and while "we" never came to be, at least I know I am capable of having those feelings for someone again.

JM - My "Not all guys are like him" Catalyst - You're right. Not all guys are like him and I must admit that when we first started talking, I had written you off as one of them. No, you are one of the good ones and it freaks the hell outta me how much I trust you. Even those times when I pick fights or push you away, you're still there and you understand that I do it because of past hurts. You're a good friend. Thank you for understanding, always making me laugh, and even for those times you made me cry. Big Girls Don't Cry, even though I know you do...even when you say you don't...you and your sad love songs and youtube videos.** Okay, okay.. You don't cry. You dissipate..which is how you stay silky and clever. hehehehehe. **

OPM - My "I'm the Goddess" Catalyst - I want to be like you when I grow up, 5'8", super skinny, and gorgeous with a husband and baby on the way. For now I'll settle for 5'4", super non-skinny, and busty with the dream of a husband and the hopes for a baby one day. =) You are one of two of my favorite Trojans and I love the many adventures we had at 'SC and the many more we will have together here in the Pink Bubble. Welcome to the neighborhood. It's going to be fabulous! Oh, have I mentioned that I want to live in Woodbury too because of you?! You bring out the goddess in us all with your grown up fabulousness and I thank you for that! **You're right, he is an "almost" and in fact, I'm changing the "A" and S.L.A.K. to "Sound Like an Almost Keeper"**

CDS - My "What did you do?!" Catalyst - You tell me like it is. Your honesty, insight, and the blank looks you give me where your eyebrows go to the sides of your head (aka the "....") are priceless. I love you for that! It keeps me on my toes. You've managed not to kill me, despite the multitude of times I've asked you to after saying or doing something stupid over some boy. My "Daydream believer" Catalyst - You're always there to listen/read as I ramble on and on about my latest obsession, whether it be a hobby, a house, or a boy. My fellow Trojan and now..umm..what is the mascot for IVC? I've been itching to do something since getting out of school (eww that was 5 years ago!) Thank you for taking this photography class with me and being a constant source of encouragement! Next up tap dancing???

Spiritual Constipation

Happy Labor Day weekend everyone!

I spent the holiday weekend with one of my bestest friends, MA, in San Diego for the Foundry (20's singles) group from Grace Church. The topic of the weekend was "Koinonia" - the ideal fellowship and community that should exist among Christians.

This retreat was a true blessing and a huge kick in my spiritual butt. I learned so much about myself, my faith, my friends, and my God. I did tons of praying, laughing, crying, singing, playing, and meeting people.

When I have the time to write out a proper testimony to the weekend, I will. I am currently suffering from "spiritual constipation". For now, here are a few pictures from the retreat.