Traffic in my head.

Why is it I can write pages and pages about you in my lil journal, and I struggle to make a sentence about him?

Yeah, I don't get it either.

I miss you.

The Heart of the Matter

Okay..so I have another song I'm crazy obsessed about. Something about the lyrics speak to me. I guess I see myself, my feelings, and my struggles in this song. That's what I've been trying to avoid, getting to The Heart of the Matter. I'm facing it, it's hard, but here I am. hehe. I actually feel happy after listening to this song, even though the lyrics seem to be sad.

The Heart of the Matter by Don Henley

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I wanna be happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore

HAHA You're Funny...

So as I said this morning...I'm all smiles. hehehe. I had a funny conversation today that totally cracked me up..hehe..(I hope you don't mind me posting this...)

Me: You're just taunting me with food. I'm hungry for dinner already. Hehe.
Him: I'm not dinner =P I'm dessert lol jk sigh
Me: WHAT? LOL
Him: lol I was just kidding sheesh hehe :) I'm no meal hehe
Me: I know, its just funny. Hahahahahahahahahahaha.
Him: It's not THAT funny =P I know you been eying me like a scoop of cookies and cream lol jk I dunno what I'm talking about wow ok I should just put the phone down hehe

I doing the "no-sound" laugh in my cube for a good 15 minutes after that. hehehe.

I had a WONDERFUL dream last night. I've been a lot of smiles the past few weeks (well except for the minor moments of $%&%$#!@!!, but other than that..). I am definitely seeing something good.

hehehe. hehehehehehehe. hehe.

House Broke :(

Hurray for REMOTES! The garage remote its up and running on Sadie. YAY!.

I'm house broke and car broke. It was an unfortunate thing that my first mortgage payment was due the same month as all the car stuff. My license renewal was due, which meant I had to have my car serviced. Damn is Sadie expensive! Freakin' couple hundy to get an oil change and smog test. On top of that, the battery needed to be replaced, so it was another couple hundy AGAIN! Booo. I miss going to anywhere and getting and oil change and then going anywhere to get a new battery and replacing it myself (well my dad replacing it himself..hehe). Ugh. It makes me want to take my Ava back.

It has been a LONG ass time I've done the living paycheck to paycheck thing. The last two paychecks disappeared shortly after I got them. The next one is going straight towards the next mortgage payment.

I guess I've been a lil over zealous with the movies and the eating out and the Target and the DVDs...and the trips to Vegas...So I am going to start taking my lunch to work everyday...and doing the dollar movie thing if I want to see a movie...and..gulp...not going to Target unless I REALLY have to and only buy what I NEED...I do need the 3rd season of Weeds though...Really I do...

wait for it....

So my sister apologizes for missing my call last night. She tells me that they were waiting for me to call before moving the car, but that they fell asleep before I called. <-- MOMENT OF BLAME SHIFTING. Oh no..I shouldn't get upset for not being able to park in the garage. Its not HIS fault for parking in the middle of the garage. It's MY fault for calling after they had fallen asleep and therefore missing my opportunity to park in the garage.

This is bullshit.

It's the little things.

I had a great weekend. It was full of fun and friends and laughs and food. It's amazing how one thing could just bring my weekend of fun to a screeching halt.

You see, I bought a house with my sister and her husband. It was good arrangement seeing that neither one of us could afford a place on our own. They pay half and get the master and half of the rest of the house. I pay half and get two small rooms and a bathroom and half of the rest of the house. The garage is one of the things we split. Unfortunately we only received one remote. He has it. I have to call whenever I need someone to open the garage...or I have to park the car, go through the side door, open the garage door from inside, and repark my car inside the garage. Leaving is a pain in the ass too because I either have to ask someone to close the door for me, or I have to pull out of the garage, park, go back inside the garage and close the door, and either run really fast before the door closes without tripping the sensor, or walk out the side door and go back to my car.

So tonight, after having fun at O's I drive home deciding that if there is no easy street parking, then I will do my side entry garage thing so I don't wake anyone up. I drive down my street to see no parking (at least nothing my car will fit in). I go down my lil alleyway and park my car in front of our garage. I go inside and turn on the light to see that he was parking in the FUCKING MIDDLE OF THE GARAGE! I was pissed. I called my sister and she didn't answer. I go back outside and the neighbor's stupid ass mini dog starts snarking at me. I go out to look for parking and end up parking way on the side street.

I'm so pissed. I don't even get to park in the garage half the fucking week because fucker has the fucking remote and it becomes a pain in the ass to do the fucking park-go in-open door-go out-park shit every fucking time. Then fucker has the fucking nerve to fucking parking his fucking car in the middle of the fucking garage.

My car has a built in remote that needs to be set. I tried doing it on my own, but I need help. I asked for help several times and nothing. Why should they help me when the have a fucking remote already? I hate that I'm a push over. I hate that they are walking all over me. I hate that I can't even be at home in my own home. It's not just the garage. There are other things too. It is all adding up. I'm boiling over...

THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS! I OWN THIS HOUSE TOO.

Event Planning Expo

Today Xtine and I ventured out to an Event Planning Expo. This is all to kick off something on the side that we can parlay into something full time and quit our non-fulfilling jobs. We were going to look at whats out there, see what we could do, can't do, etc. Also, it was an opportunity to get ideas for my birthday! woohoo!

We took pictures in a photo booth, which btw is a FABULOUS IDEA! I so want this photo booth for when I get married...or when I throw a super fabulous I'm single party. HAHA.

I like people and I like them to like me, but I wear my heart where God put it, on the inside.
~ F. Scott Fitzgerald

I can do everything through him who gives me strength.
Philippians 4:21

Please Lord give me the strength to say what I feel, be who I am, and face the fears. Give me the strength to stand on my own, put myself out there, without walls and without the guard. Let me be me, let me love and be loved.

After all, John Legend said it himself..."Love hurts sometimes if you do it right"

Its just me.

It's getting stronger, this feeling. I want it like everyone else, and yet something about me keeps f*cking it up. I'm tired, tired of being scared, tired of hurting, tired of the loneliness, tired of the confusion. I'm tired of giving up just enough of myself to fall, but have no one there to catch me.

It always ends up the same. Different guy, same results. It's me. I'm doing something, or not doing something, or not saying something, or saying it all wrong. I have a boy pattern that I just can't shake.

Maybe I'm not meant for that. Maybe I'm blessed with singleness. I had accepted that YEARS ago. Damn him for waking it up, stirring it around, and leaving me there to deal with it alone.