Only in my dreams.

I had a dream last night. In it my sister tells me not to be sad, but that someone now has a girlfriend. She won't tell me who, but she says its one of my buddies. I go online and see a joint myspace account flashing on my screen. Not only are they together, but they are also a singing act. Plastered all over the screen were pictures of the two of them singing and a corny duet was blaring from their profile. I started laughing and then woke up to find I really was laughing.

Funny thing is, I saw one of my buddies and he was with a girl who is friends with one of my other buddies. Is it time for me to play matchmaker???

Happy Birthday Grandma!

My Grandma turns 100 this year. Since we could not go to the Philippines to party, we made a little birthday greeting. it reminds me of the one we made for her when my brother was little. Still same giggles..still same reaction. hehe.

Why?

I haven't stopped crying since this afternoon at work. Yep. I cried. At work. It started last night. It hit me and I started crying. I was crying so hard I shut down my computer and went straight to bed. This morning I felt a cloud of sadness hanging over me. This afternoon I got a nasty email from a developer that made me cry alone in my cubicle. Since then I've been bursting into tears.

You're an idiot.

The Good, the Bad, the Ugly

So much to do, so little time. I've done my random blog entries, yet no real updates. Here is a quick run through of what's been going on. I'm loving that there are so many goods. Life is on the up and up.

The GOOD

1. House is super fabulous and cute as a button.
2. I'm serious about starting up a side business. Does anyone need invitations made?
   
3. The Old Crush - been crushed and I'm over it!
4. There is a New Crush! He's cute, and he's real! (hahaha)
   
5. I have 4 references for my P.E. Exam.
6. I won $69 on a penny game in Vegas.
7. It's over and I survived with a new found drive for something more.
   

The BAD

1. Work is a bitch and so is my boss. haha.. J/K...a little.
2. I have a boy pattern. I don't think it will be broken by new crush =(
   
3. First mortgage payment is due on June 1st.
   

The UGLY

1. I'm "Vegas Bloated".
   
2. I want more, but don't know how to get it.
   

Trying to find...

...that all elusive peace of mind...

I'm letting go..SOOOOO DO NOT WANT TO! I miss him. Now that he's gone I've had to face it head on. Why can't I get over it? I need to. There is my future..my future is waiting patiently for me. I'm gonna lose my future if I keep holding on to someone who isn't there. I miss him though. I really miss him.

Do you see me now?

I get it. I know better, and yet here I am again. I can't keep doing this...being the Back-Burner Girl. The Girl you talk to in between conquests. The Girl you talk to when you want to feel better about yourself. The Girl you rarely hang out with, but talk with often. The Girl who gives you the emotional support you just can't seem to get from her. The Girl you treat like crap in public so as not to give the impression of togetherness. The Girl you let worry about you, but never worry about her. The Girl you keep in your life when your single and ditch when you're not.

I am not a placeholder or a 'Miss-Right-Now'. I'm a Girl who wants to be loved and taken cared of. I'm the Girl who deserves it. I'm the Girl who isn't getting it from you. I'm the Girl who wants to walk away. I want this to be my good-bye. I want to shut you out. For whatever reason, I can't...and it's tearing me apart.

First Night Home

Saturday was my first official night in the house. It was weird. I've never been big on sleeping in other places, hotels, family members homes, sleep overs...I'm never able to sleep comfortably or the whole night through unless I was dead beat tired, sick, or a lil drunky drunk. That's how I am at the Vegas house. That's how I now am at my own house. It will take a lil while, but I will get used to the non-noise moments, followed by trees tapping on the window in the hall, followed by the owl, and back to the non-noise.

It shouldn't be too difficult..hehehe. It IS after all still my super comfy bedroom set, just in a different room.

No One.

What is it about you? Why YOU? It's going to be like this forever, isn't it? You're never going to say it, are you? I might never come out of this, huh?