Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Letting go.

So. It's been what? Like 3 1/2 weeks since I proclaimed that "I'm Back!" Of course it wasn't an overnight thing..but a work in progress...and I am still progressing. It feels great! It makes me one busy girl.

I still feel lost in my own space though. I mean, I've let go of a lot of stuff. I'm just afraid that I might have let go of too much. I'm starting to miss certain feelings, comforts, and even certain people (don't worry I don't miss the ex..eww).

With the wall of self-doubt coming down and the boundary issues slowly going away, I'm putting myself out there. I'm exposing myself to the good as well as the bad. I no longer have that protection, that hiding place, that comfort in knowing that I have that wall to protect me from the hurt. It's terrifying! I have to keep reminding myself that while I might have been protected, I was lonely and I wasn't really living.

I'm trying to function without the walls and it's not easy. There are thoughts and feelings constantly whizing in my head. Is this self-doubt a warning sign or me just being insecure? Should I be scared? Am I doing the right thing? It's confusing. I am finding that some of my emotional and thought processes are out of practice. I am so used to being on the defense, that I have to think about my actions and reactions. How strange.

I went to a b-day party last weekend and saw a whole slew of people that I haven't seen in over a year. I didn't realize how much I missed them until I saw them. I was so happy to see them and even happier to see that they missed me too. These people knew me after the break-up, after the wall came up, and they still missed me.

With all the letting go, I've let go of my confusion over him. It looks like I've let go of him too. Why do I feel sad about it?

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