I feel it...the work load...It's here. The Busy Season at work. Damn it. I'm not ready. It was very apparent how not ready I was for it on Monday. I could tell that Boss-Lady was annoyed with my lack of attention to detail and inability to remember stuff off the top of my head. (Hello Lady, I gave you the stuff to look at back in January! I need a few minutes to jog my memory!) So...every day this week has been like Monday..It's Thursday. Please don't let Friday be Monday again!
In other news. Every since my last blog entry, and despite my minor case of the Mondays, I've had a smile on my face and bounce in my step. I feel it, I'm coming back!
A guy smiled at me at the grocery store on Sunday, I smiled back. Yesterday at the gym, I was doing my usual 40 minutes on the elliptical when I guy decided to stretch in the open space right next to me (I was on the last machine next the window). It started out as the eye thing. I smiled at him, he smiled at me, I ellipticalled, he stretched, I smiled, he smiled, he finished his stretching, I continued my ellipticalling, he smiled, I smiled, he walked into the free standing gym advertisement, I smiled, he played it off, I giggled (sorry I couldn't help it), he did this cute bashful thing, I smiled, and then he was gone.
heehee.. that whole bashful thing that some guys have is sooo cute.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Corina Returns!
If you're looking for my random silly-ness, you won't find it in this entry. Might I suggest looking at Bad Luck Betty or Loves and Hates because this one is going to be...well...the non-silly me. It's also going to be a long one, so prepare yourself.
This year is going to be different. I decided that on New Year’s Eve. It is going to be the year that I stop with my 2 ½ year old bad habits and toxic thinking. It is going to be the year that I finally rid myself of the shit that he left behind. It is going to be year that I go back to really being me, the me from before it happened, only wiser, more mature, and less naïve. I made a promise to myself a while back that I would take care of me, I have the ring to prove it...
It’s been coming for a while, this need for a change. I began to really realize it in the summer of 2006. So many things were happening. Friends were getting engaged or married, having kids, or getting houses, and hitting those typical major life milestones. What was I doing? Well I was running away from the church family that I had been a part of for over a year, the only church family I had known since becoming a Christian. I was doing it again. I was getting close, letting people in, freaking out, running away, and hiding. It is an annoying pattern that developed after the break-up that I have regrettably perfected in the past few years.
YEARS! What is wrong with me that I couldn’t get past this? I mean c’mon, it’s been years and he still gets to me. That voice of self doubt sounds remarkably like his voice. The voice that tells me that I can’t, that I’m not good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough. The voice that tells me that no matter what I will come up short and I will fail. The voice that tells me that it’s too good for me and it’s not worth having it because I don’t deserve it. It all sounds like him because he said those words to me. He actually SAID them to my face and I actually BELIEVED them for so long. Because of that, I missed out on a lot and I missed out on me.
It is the year that I decided that I wasn’t going to let those words get to me anymore, and that I was going to reclaim me. As long as I allow his words to get to me, he will always have control over me. It’s frustrating and it pisses me off; it's making me a very bitter person. I don't want to be that bitter, weak person. That is not taking care of me. Mind you, I have been saying the same thing for the past two years, but this year I really mean it. I wouldn’t be declaring it on here for everyone to read if I didn’t mean it. (You don’t see any past entries were I have mentioned it, right?)
I prayed about it and I continue to pray about it. It’s the end of March and I am seeing some changes in myself. There are moments when I try to resist it, but I am learning and growing. I have had several “episodes” but instead of retreating, I’m still here. God keeps testing me and my commitment to the promise I made myself. He has put me in situations or brings people into my life to test me and teach me. It used to be easy to run away from those situations because I could always say I was busy with work…but not this year. This year much of my testing, learning, and growing has happened and is continuing to happen during work hours.
My bosses test my ability to juggle work and compartmentalize work and home. I used to have no problem staying late and bringing work home and totally making everything about work. These past few months I have been better at separating the work life from the home life...or at least not bringing or even thinking about work while at home.
My sister’s ever so sharp tongue in the cubicle next to me tests ability to snap back into reality or to step back from a situation before over-reacting or folding. She is my reality check and we gots each other's backs.
Emails with Ashley, Chris, Christine, and Olivia not only give me mini escapes from the wonderful world of financial engineering, but also remind me of the person I was and person I want to be. They are my support and encouragement.
Mail runs, lunches, and random walks to the kitchen with Val allow me to vent, gossip, and giggle. The giggles are the best, and it had been FOREVER since I've had a really bad case of the giggles while at work. You know, I don't think I ever had the giggles at work until after my sister started. They are the reason why Boss-Lady has turned our department into a no-talk, no-giggle, no-fun zone...boo.
And then there is Rusty, whom I have had many a random conversation with, who has unexepectedly triggered moments of self-evaluation and unfortunately has been caught in the middle of one or two of my "episodes". oops. I am sorry about that, but it's his own fault, he was warned.
It's funny how when you are making a new friend and trying to figure someone out, you end up finding out things about yourself.
I'm Making a Comeback...are you ready?
This year is going to be different. I decided that on New Year’s Eve. It is going to be the year that I stop with my 2 ½ year old bad habits and toxic thinking. It is going to be the year that I finally rid myself of the shit that he left behind. It is going to be year that I go back to really being me, the me from before it happened, only wiser, more mature, and less naïve. I made a promise to myself a while back that I would take care of me, I have the ring to prove it...
It’s been coming for a while, this need for a change. I began to really realize it in the summer of 2006. So many things were happening. Friends were getting engaged or married, having kids, or getting houses, and hitting those typical major life milestones. What was I doing? Well I was running away from the church family that I had been a part of for over a year, the only church family I had known since becoming a Christian. I was doing it again. I was getting close, letting people in, freaking out, running away, and hiding. It is an annoying pattern that developed after the break-up that I have regrettably perfected in the past few years.
YEARS! What is wrong with me that I couldn’t get past this? I mean c’mon, it’s been years and he still gets to me. That voice of self doubt sounds remarkably like his voice. The voice that tells me that I can’t, that I’m not good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough. The voice that tells me that no matter what I will come up short and I will fail. The voice that tells me that it’s too good for me and it’s not worth having it because I don’t deserve it. It all sounds like him because he said those words to me. He actually SAID them to my face and I actually BELIEVED them for so long. Because of that, I missed out on a lot and I missed out on me.
It is the year that I decided that I wasn’t going to let those words get to me anymore, and that I was going to reclaim me. As long as I allow his words to get to me, he will always have control over me. It’s frustrating and it pisses me off; it's making me a very bitter person. I don't want to be that bitter, weak person. That is not taking care of me. Mind you, I have been saying the same thing for the past two years, but this year I really mean it. I wouldn’t be declaring it on here for everyone to read if I didn’t mean it. (You don’t see any past entries were I have mentioned it, right?)
I prayed about it and I continue to pray about it. It’s the end of March and I am seeing some changes in myself. There are moments when I try to resist it, but I am learning and growing. I have had several “episodes” but instead of retreating, I’m still here. God keeps testing me and my commitment to the promise I made myself. He has put me in situations or brings people into my life to test me and teach me. It used to be easy to run away from those situations because I could always say I was busy with work…but not this year. This year much of my testing, learning, and growing has happened and is continuing to happen during work hours.
My bosses test my ability to juggle work and compartmentalize work and home. I used to have no problem staying late and bringing work home and totally making everything about work. These past few months I have been better at separating the work life from the home life...or at least not bringing or even thinking about work while at home.
My sister’s ever so sharp tongue in the cubicle next to me tests ability to snap back into reality or to step back from a situation before over-reacting or folding. She is my reality check and we gots each other's backs.
Emails with Ashley, Chris, Christine, and Olivia not only give me mini escapes from the wonderful world of financial engineering, but also remind me of the person I was and person I want to be. They are my support and encouragement.
Mail runs, lunches, and random walks to the kitchen with Val allow me to vent, gossip, and giggle. The giggles are the best, and it had been FOREVER since I've had a really bad case of the giggles while at work. You know, I don't think I ever had the giggles at work until after my sister started. They are the reason why Boss-Lady has turned our department into a no-talk, no-giggle, no-fun zone...boo.
And then there is Rusty, whom I have had many a random conversation with, who has unexepectedly triggered moments of self-evaluation and unfortunately has been caught in the middle of one or two of my "episodes". oops. I am sorry about that, but it's his own fault, he was warned.
It's funny how when you are making a new friend and trying to figure someone out, you end up finding out things about yourself.
I'm Making a Comeback...are you ready?
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